Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Narcissus Maximus
04/16/05
CAST
Jim Kernberg – Male, early 30's – Narcism victim
Kim Kernberg – Female, early 30's – His wife
Sarah – Female, late 20's – Kim's old friend
Bob – Male, late 20's – Kim's husband
Greta Linnensdorf – Female, early 40's – fairly severe
(Kitchen in a suburban household with doors leading outside on stage left and to living room stage right. Kim and Greta, who is holding a notebook and has reading glasses hung from her neck, sit at the kitchen table.)
GRETA
Mrs. Kernberg, as you know, today I will be trying a new technique on your husband. It is experimental, but I believe it holds great promise.
KIM
Do you really think it will help, Dr. Linnensdorf?
GRETA
(sighs)
Please, call me Greta. And honestly, I don't know. But you have nothing left to lose, eh? Let me do some paperwork and then we'll get started.
(there is a knock at the door. As Kim goes to open it, Greta puts on reading glasses, opens notebook and begins writing)
KIM
Sarah!
SARAH
(enters, hugs Kim)
Oh, Kim. How you holdin' out?
KIM
I'm holding on, you know? But its so hard... since Jim came down with Narcism. Want some coffee?
SARAH
Sure. Hello again, Greta.
GRETA
(waves off Sarah without looking up)
Yes, yes, hello again, Kim's friend Sarah.
SARAH
Bob's out parking the car. I brought him with me this time. He hasn't seen Jim since he... got sick.
(looking around)
Where is Jim, anyway?
KIM
He was upstairs picking out clothes last I saw him. (pause) That can take up to an hour these days. (sobs a little)
I'm so glad you came by again. I'm so lonely...
JIM
(walking in from stage right talks towards both women)
Ah, there you are! I've been meaning to tell you about something. There was this time I was hungry at work and looked up at the clock and realized it was already 12:30. (chuckles) That's, like, halfway through my normal lunch hour! (chuckles again, a little too long) So I gathered my things, went outside and ate lunch in my car while listening to top 40. Chumbawumba, I think. Tub-thumper?
KIM
Jim, me and Sarah were talking. Can you hold on for a-
JIM
I know what you're thinking. But it was a simple cheese and mayo sandwich that day. Really quite good, especially with my snack-sized bag of Lays. I wish you could've seen it!
(sits down next to Greta and begins examining his hands and arms. Greta stops writing, closes her notebook and watches Jim with interest. Jim occasionally whistles appreciatively. Smiles and shakes his head slowly in amazement.)
SARAH
Oh, Kim. He's even worse than last time! Bob is going to have a hard time with this. Jim was his best friend.
(Bob walks in from stage left)
BOB
(to Sarah)
Man, there's a lot of cars in this neighborhood. I had to park halfway down the street! Oh, hi, Kim.
(sees Jim. Walks over and thumps him on the back)
Jim! How you doin', bud? I heard you were a little sick!
JIM
(looking up at Bob)
Hey! I know! Who would like to watch me drink a glass of Orange juice? Huh? Huh?
BOB
Uh...
JIM
Okay! Here we go!
(dramatically gets up, and theatrically gets a glass from the cupboard, orange juice from the fridge, pours a glass, and begins to drink, with obvious, noisy pleasure.)
BOB
(looking crestfallen)
Jim?
SARAH
(lays hand on Bob's arm)
I told you, Bob. He's got Narcism. It's all about him now.
(Bob shrugs off Sarah's hand and walks close to Jim, looking into Jim's face with consternation as he drinks his juice. Sarah watches Bob and shakes her head sadly.)
Kim, how did this happen so fast?
KIM
I don't know, Sarah, I just don't know.
GRETA
(standing up and moving towards the women)
He was probably getting sick for YEARS. You, Kimberly Kernberg, simply ignored the many warning signs.
KIM
Well, I mean, men are pretty self centered anyway, right? I guess I should've spotted it coming, though. All those times he forgot my birthday and our anniversary, then when he started wearing cologne! Really! And that time he went out and bought himself a “World's #1 Dad” mug.
SARAH
But you don't have any children, Kim!
KIM
Yeah, I guess that should have been a clue. But its gotten so much worse lately, I'm getting desperate.
JIM
(finishing his juice)
Ah! That hit the spot. I'd drink another one for you, but I think you get the general idea. Oh! I put together a new scrapbook. Be right back.
(dashes off stage right. Bob starts to follow. Greta reaches out and stops him, shaking her head silently.)
KIM
I'm sorry you had to see him this way, Bob. He loved you, you know? He would've wanted you to know that.
JIM
(rushes back in, carrying a photo album. He sits at the table and opens the book. Bob walks over and looks over his shoulder)
Ok, so here is a picture of me setting up my video camera to get a good angle of my couch. Oh, and here- HERE is a picture of me hooking the video camera up to the television so I can see what its taping real-time.
(turns page)
Now this is a picture of me sitting on the couch watching television. And this last one is a picture of the television screen. LOOK! I was on TV! And so was my couch!
BOB
Nice... camera, I guess.
JIM
Oh, I know. It should be nice; It's my camera. That's a Nikon 325 EJC. Nothing but the best for good 'ol me, right?
(chuckles as he gazes appreciatively at his scrapbook)
BOB
(turning to Sarah and Kim excitedly)
Hey! He responded to me!
SARAH
(sadly)
Oh, honey, it only looked like he responded to you.
KIM
(sobs)
Its because you were talking about him.
GRETA
Those who love Narcism victims often misinterpret their random speech as genuine communication because they so desperately want-
BOB
No, we were talking about the camera!
SARAH
His camera, Bob. His camera.
JIM
(stands up and raises his hand)
Who here remembers the time I was drinking a glass of orange juice?
GRETA
Enough! We begin the treatment NOW!
(steps forward and pulls a hand-mirror from her notebook.)
Jim!
(she then holds the hand mirror in front of her face with the glass towards Jim)
Today will be different!
JIM
(looking in mirror, startled)
Hey, me! When did I get here? I didn't even see me come in!
GRETA
Surely, me has been here the entire time? Where else would we be?
JIM
(knodding in agreement)
I'm making sense! Do we seem shorter than I remember?
KIM
(wringing hands)
Oh! I can't believe it! Greta! He's talking with you!
SARAH
I'm so happy for you, Kim! Just think: Jim could be the first case ever cured! This is so exciting!
BOB
(waving his arms)
Jim! Jim! Over here!
GRETA
(hissing over her shoulder)
Do not get too far ahead of yourselves! We have only just begun! He is NOT cured yet! We have much work to do.
(to Jim)
Look at us, Jim! Am I looking at me closely?
JIM
(knodding at mirror)
Sure we are, handsome!
GRETA
Good. Now....
(lowers mirror to her side.)
What do I see now?
JIM
(looking around panicked)
Help! I'm missing!
GRETA
Jim!
JIM
Who will drink the orange juice now? Everyone will be so disappointed! And we didn't even start eating toast, yet.
GRETA
(holding mirror back up)
Hey, me! I'm still here.
JIM
Oh, thank Jim! I thought I'd lost me.
GRETA
Oh, but Jim, you did. You did lose you!
(lowers the mirror)
Now you see Greta, yes?
JIM
(looks down at mirror. Then up at Greta)
You! Greta!
(everyone gasps. Sarah puts her arm around Kim. Bob bites his knuckles)
GRETA
(with satisfaction)
Yes, me. Greta!
JIM
You took me away! Give me back!
(As he reaches for the mirror, Greta holds it away from him. They struggle for a moment. Bob grabs Jim from behind. Jim squirms free and then punches Greta hard in the stomach. Greta bends over in pain, he hits her face with an uppercut. She grabs her nose, Jim wrests the mirror from her hands and runs off-stage. Sarah runs to Greta's aid.)
GRETA
(straightenning her jacket,
Ah, but we almost did it, eh, Greta? So close.
JIM
(offstage)
Hold on, me! I'll get you out of there!
KIM
Dr. Linnensdorf? You OK?
GRETA
(ignoring Kim)
I remember this one time I was eating shnitzel; I was at university at the time, you see, and going through one of my shnitzel stages. Originally the idea was to use it as a jewelry substitute because we were so poor then.
BOB
Hey...
(Greta begins examining her own breasts, appreciatively hefting them)
GRETA
Very nice!
KIM
Oh, no.
(lights out)
JIM
How'd we get in this little piece of glass anyway?
(sound of glass breaking)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! NOOOO!!! (sobbing)
Monday, May 30, 2005
Euripides Johnson
This scene represents an attempt at using a psuedo-Greek Tragedy format for a comedy scene. It didn't success too well, but I think parts of it are still funny.
CAST
Euripides Johnson – Male, age 42
Chorus – everyone who is not currently in the scene. All exiting players rejoin the chorus
Man1
Man2
Woman1
Woman2
(Euripides and man1 sit at a bar.)
EURIPIDES (to bartender)
Another one, barkeep, to get my mind off my troubles.
MAN1 as guy in bar
Man, that was, like, the 38th Bay Breeze you’ve had since I got here two minutes ago! What kind of past are you trying to wash away?
EURIPIDES
You don’t even want to know. My life’s like a frickin’ greek tragedy.
MAN1 as guy in bar
Tell me! I have time, and I love to hear about the suffering of others. It helps me maintain my sence of superiority.
EURIPIDES
Fine, (heavy sigh) you asked for it.
(Euripides stands up and walks toward center of stage. Man1 leaves stage, taking second chair. Euripides is alone momentarily. Stage is dark except for spotlight on Euripides. Presently he addresses the audience)
Truly I am a most fortunate man
A man among men, before you I stand,
With a job to be envied
Selling copper pipe… in bulk
Of course I am married to a beautiful lady
(woman2 runs up and kisses him. Pauses)
Happily, as well; I’ve had sex at least once a week, lately.
(woman2 smiles at audience, nods, joins chorus)
and a son, so strong
(Euripides catches football thrown from off-stage. Man2 runs out and takes football. Hugs Euripides)
so handsome. And straight.
(Man2 runs to chorus.)
truly nothing could go wrong!
Yeah, success is my fate!
(sits in chair as if it is a couch. Picks up remote, makes like flippin’ channels)
But now I want
to sit and unwind
With my TV remote,
Lets just see what I’ll find.
(Woman1 comes on stage and passes to stage left and faces Euripides. Euripides sits facing her as she passes, uses remote to turn on TV. All other players join chorus. Lights up)
WOMAN1 as newswoman
I’m Kathy Tomlinson, Channel 8 news. Bad shit may already be happening to you! Tune in at 11.
EURIPIDES
These Daily warnings, you always state,
Kathy Tomlinson, channel 8!
But every day you exaggerate,
the apparent direness of my fate.
CHORUS
But she seems so sincere, Euripides!
WOMAN1 as newswoman
Your drinking water may have a deadly chemical in it that may turn your children gay! Tune in at 11 to learn more about this danger! Channel 8 is watching out for you!
(Woman1 returns to chorus.)
MAN1 as son
(walks past couch drinking from a glass)
Hey, dad, want a drink of water?
(becomes newsman)
CHORUS
Euripides! Listen to the newspeople!
MAN1 as newsman
(Snarky, like hard-copy)
This man, Paul Snarky, says he just wants to help your small business clean its ashtrays. Watch as we find out how he’s just out to help himself clean you out. Stay tuned to Channel 8 news Trouble Resolvers! And then… are State troopers forcing car accident victims to give them sex? We may or may not have evidence!
(man1 returns to chorus, Man2 replaces him)
EURIPIDES
Fuck these newspeople. Everyone knows
The news is just here to sell Wallside Windows
See, disaster breeds ratings, and ratings sell ads,
for Allstate insurance, and stay-free maxi-pads.
CHORUS
Perhaps you are right, Euripides.
MAN2 as weatherman
1 to 47 inches of rain could fall during the night in what could be the STORM OF 2005! The radar shows a fluffy cloud! At least a 5% chance of precipitation! Channel 8 will be with you throughout this weather emergency!
CHORUS
This sounds important!
MAN1 as son
(from his place in the chorus)
Hey, Dad, that weatherman sure is cute!
(man2 moves to backline. Is replaced by a woman1 as Euripides speaks)
EURIPIDES
Every time, they seek to sow
fears of rain, and wind and snow.
Exaggeration is this station’s
only mode of operation.
WOMAN1 as newswoman
Look at this footage of policemen! Why are they running and yelling? Channel 8 is live on the scene. Stay tuned!
EURIPIDES
So what if they have busted
A hooker, a car thief
Or maybe a seller of kiddie porn?
How could that affect me?
WOMAN1 as newswoman
We have an important and dangerous consumer recall to tell you about. Coming up in just a few minutes!
EURIPIDES
Pfagh! If it were important, you would tell me now.
CHORUS
What if you have a defective product?
WOMAN1 as newswoman
You could have this defective product!
CHORUS
See?
WOMAN1 as newswoman
Stay tuned to see what it is! Channel 8 is looking out for YOU!
(returns to chorus line)
WOMAN2 as wife
(from chorus, urgently)
Euripides!
EURIPIDES
(holding up hand)
Wife! Can’t you see I’m busy complaining?
This newscast has but minutes remaining!
WOMAN2 as wife
(walks downstage)
Yes, but our son
So strong. So handsome.
Has become gay.
CHORUS
He drank the water!
EURIPIDES
Oh, no, he drank the water; the newswoman warned
But now it is too late for me, no grandchildren will be born!
WOMAN2 as wife
It is worse than that, husband!
CHORUS
Oh, woe! What could be worse than your son going queer?
WOMAN2 as wife
He has just been arrested
CHORUS gasps
For being a gay prostitute,
CHORUS gasps
stealing a car
CHORUS gasps
selling kiddie porn.
CHORUS gasps
And is now in jail
I must go pick him up,
In our 1998 Dodge Caravan.
(Woman2 leaves, returns to chorus. Man1 becomes newsman)
EURIPIDES
If only I had just paid heed
to the channel 8 newscast’s honest need
to inform me of this possible fate
But perhaps its not too late!
Its not eleven thirty yet,
The news has more to say, I bet!
MAN1 as newsman
Now for that recall information. Chrysler has announced a massive recall of 1998 Dodge Caravans
EURIPIDES
Oh, NO!
(stands up, hands covering mouth)
MAN1 as newsman
Sources say that their brakes may fail if driven in the rain. Like the rain falling outside right now. If you have one of these vehicles, contact your Dodge dealer immediately for a free repair. Definitely do not drive it at all. Especially on a rainy night like tonight.
(Man1 returns to line. Woman1 walks up to Euripides, who turns to face her)
WOMAN1 as state trooper
I, Sandra O’Connor of the state police, regret to inform you that your wife has been in an accident.
CHORUS
Euripides, your wife is dead!
WOMAN1 as state trooper
Your wife is dead. She had just picked up your son on bond. But he’s ok, not a scratch on the little flamer.
EURIPIDES
My wife is gone, but at least my son is alive!
And though he’s gay, I swear I’ll strive
To tolerate his faggot ways, for without him I’d be all alone.
So where is he, officer, just when’s he coming home?
CHORUS
He can’t come home, he’s back in jail.
WOMAN1 as state trooper
I’m afraid your chorus is right, sir. After the accident he was caught giving Vaseline handjobs to a state trooper for $15.
(Woman1 returns to chorus, is replaced by Man2)
CHORUS
Poor Euripides! He is fucked!
MAN2 as FBI agent
(shakes Euripides’ hand)
Bob Case, FBI. You hired a man to clean out the ashtrays in your office. I’m sorry to say this man was none other than Paul Snarky. You’ve lost your business and you the bank will be here tomorrow to take possession of your house.
CHORUS
Poor Euripides! He is truly fucked.
EURIPIDES
(careful that second sentence matches timing of first, although it is not intuitive)
I am well and truly fucked.
So bad I have no interest in rhyming it.
Oh, what the hell. Tucked.
Gonads buy half a test thin timing shit.
(Euripides sits. Man1 sets chair next to him. They are now in bar again. Chorus remains)
MAN1 as guy in bar
Shit, man, that’s harsh! So… what happened next?
EURIPIDES
(swigs from drink. Macarena begins playing)
My son went to Sweden for a sex change. Oh, and the chorus took up the Macarena as a hobby.
(chorus begins doing the Macarena. Man1 gets up and begins to move toward the chorus, bobbing to the beat. Euripides goes back to nursing a drink)
MAN1 as guy in bar
Really? I love the Macarena. Your chorus rules!
(joins chorus in doing the Macarena)
EURIPIDES
(to bartender)
Another one for the tragic hero. Keep them Bay Breeze’s comin’!
CHORUS
(singing along with music)
He-ey! Macarena! ... OPA!
Didn't See It Coming.
(man1 and man2 walk past a man3 and a woman. Man1 is blind and is being lead by Man2. Man3 and woman are watching them)
MAN2
(looking at marquee)
Here's the place. Johnny said he'd meet us here. Wait out here while I check..
(lifts MAN1's hand off shoulder and strides through door)
MAN1
(now alone)
Wait, what?
(starts to follow MAN2. Walks right into wall next to door and sits hard on ground grabbing face.)
WOMAN
A blind man walked into a bar!
MAN3
It didn't seem funny. Lets wait and see if there's a punch line coming.
(The couple stand there staring at the moaning blind man. Man3 hands in pocket. After a bit, he checks his watch. Woman looks in purse, takes out compact and adjusts make-up. Lights out.)
Snickers
CAST
Lou Thompson – Male Age, 32
Lynn Thompson – Female Age, 28
(Kitchen. Man sits at table. Lou tears open a Snickers bar and eats it in two bites. Almost gagging, he chews. Chocolate is now smeared on his right cheek.)
Mmm...
(Licks fingertips)
Oh, shit...
(suddenly grabs Snicker's wrapper and sits on it. Wipes hands on shirt and sits up straight.
Lynn enters and walks up to table.)
LYNN
Hey, Lou? Have you seen my Snicker's bar?
LOU
(shifty)
No. Not at all. Nope. Did you have a Snicker's bar?
LYNN
Well, you KNOW I did. I bought it while we were on our way home from Church this morning, remember? I just put it on the table, like, 15 minutes ago.
LOU
Are you sure? I don't seem to remember that.
LYNN
Yeah, we stopped at 7-11, you got a bag of gummy worms and ate them all at once? You said something about being a big BIG fishy?
LOU
(looking away)
No. I'm pretty sure I'd remember something like that.
LYNN
Come, on! Lou. Did you eat my Snickers?
LOU
Honey, I don't even know what you're talking about! There never WAS a Snickers bar! And if there was, why would I lie about it? I swear to God in heaven above that I would never have eaten your candy bar.
LYNN
(leaning in close, holding Lou's chin up to examine his face. Accusatory tone)
Then... what's this on your face?
LOU
(touches face, looks at finger tip)
Um...this?
LYNN
Yeah, that. Chocolate.
LOU
(laughing with forced nonchalance)
Ha, ha, ha! This? Its not chocolate. It's... um... its just some shit.
LYNN
Yeah, chocolate, Lou!
LOU
No, this is just shit. Not chocolate. Crap. Smeared on my face.
LYNN
Jesus, Lou, there's shit on your face?
LOU
Absolutely. You wanna smell it?
LYNN
No, I do not “wanna smell it.” How the hell did you end up with shit on your face? Why didn't you clean it off?
LOU
I didn't clean it off, because... um...
LYNN
(crossing arms)
I'm waiting, stinky.
LOU
I ...like it. On my face.
(pause, nervously)
I like the poop.
LYNN
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
LOU
It means that you don't trust me, Lynn. You accused me of eating your chocolate, and now you owe me an apology.
LYNN
Honey, I'm not going to apologize to you when you're sitting there, LITERALLY SHIT-FACED!
LOU
I love you.
LYNN
(hurt sounding)
Don't you try to change the subject. How long have you... liked... crap...
(sobbing)
...on your face?!?
(head in hands, silently sobbing)
LOU
Sweety, how long I've enjoyed the feel of warm human waste slowly hardening on my cheeks shouldn't matter so much as the fact that we can show each other trust, and respect. This crusty, pungent, evidence of the vitality of life I have smeared on my face, by virtue of the fact that it is not chocolate, is a token of my trustworthiness and dependability as a husband. No matter how much I crave the corny, simple pleasure of dung dabbled on my stubbly chin, I love you far, far more.
LYNN
(stops sobbing, looks up from hands toward Lou, sniffing.)
Do you really mean that?
LOU
Yeah, honey. I do. And I love you so much, I'll give up my love of poop for you. Cold turkey.
LYNN
You will? You'd give up all that? For me?
LOU
(knodding, standing, arms out for a hug)
I swear, this is the last time, the very last time, that you will ever see me with ca-ca on this face that adores you so, very, very, much.
LYNN
(smiling, tears streaming)
Oh, Louie! I'm sorry I doubted you!
(leans in for a hug, stops to switch shoulders to avoid smeared cheek. Smiles.)
LOU
Ah, my Lynn.
LYNN
(looks down behind Lou, sees candy bar wrapper on chair. Pushes Lou away, picks up wrapper and brandishes it at
him)
LOU
(innocently)
Oh, did you eat your candy bar after all?
LYNN
(stuffs wrapper in Lou's mouth, storms off-stage. From off stage)
Shit head!
Check out the OTHER scenes, too!