SafeTinspector Scenes

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“My Neighbor, The FCC”

1/6/2006 (version #2.5)

CAST

Kevin J. Martin – 38, Male

Quincy – 14, Female

Sandy – 32, Female

Mark – 33, Male

Three Male Dancers

(inside apartment, couple on couch, daughter sitting on floor, watching TV. Mother spills drink on herself.)

SANDY

(standing up, wet from drink)

Oh, shit!

MARK

God dammit, Sandy!

(runs off)

QUINCY

Mom, you said mother-fucker.

(Mark returns, hands one towel to Sandy, who begins drying herseld and begins blotting the couch)

SANDY

I didn't say mother-fucker.

KEVIN

(barging in room)

Hi, folks! I'm your downstairs neighbor, Kevin J. Martin, chairman of the FCC?

QUINCY

Hey, mom, dad, there's some asshole here!

KEVIN

Whoa, there!(BEEP!)

I couldn't help but overhear you loudie-wowdies up here having a vocabulary malfunction. Young lady, I think you've been exposed to too much explicit (BEEP!) media! Pretty soon you might be saying (BEEP!) or (BEEP!) and that could lead to unprotected (BEEP!) and an unwanted (BEEP!) all from having dirty (BEEP!) butt (BEEP!) sex with your boy- (BEEP) friend and his (BEEP) well-hung buddies!

QUINCY

Gosh, mister, what can I do?

KEVIN

You need more good, clean, violence and less sex. (BEEP!)

SANDY

Violence?

MARK

I don't appreciate you coming into our home and talking about unprotected butt (BEEP BEEP!) or violence!

KEVIN

You poor, misguided, obscene fools. Nothing is worse than forbidden words and sexuality.

(Three male dancers walk in, one hands a box to Kevin)

I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but allow me to use this box of innocent, fluffy kittens to explain.

(begins to sing, dancers stand at parade rest)

When I think of Janet Jackson's titty

or Howard Stern's anything at all

we boost the gore on CSI Miami

and add torture to most shows this fall

there's so much to do, and its starting to work

but to get through to you I'm afraid I must jerk

the heads off these innocent kitties. Observe:

(Drum beats, Kevin and the dancers grind as he slowly pulls kitten from box, holds it out toward audience. Kitten mews. )

SANDY

Oh, shit!

(when Kevin hears “shit” he jerks his head back slightly as if in surprise, but then smiles lasciviously and closes his eyes, head tilted back. Crack! Dancers convulse in pleasure, Kitten is dead. He drops it on floor. Dancers dance.)

Violence! Violence!

America's fine with Violence! (crack, kitten dead)

Sex! Sex!

America hates Sex! (crack)

MARK

You fucking lunatic!

(kevin holds kitten in Mark's face and kills it)

KEVIN

C'mon, people!

Slow-mo blows in boxing shows

with showers of spit and sweat

so preferable to seeing tongue in a kiss

or hearing four letter words from your set

if fictional and taped, we're fine with rape

but not shit, fuck, dick or cock

and it shows we're strong inside when vehicular homocide

is filmed on location with COPS.

(Everyone: bad boys, bad boys, what'cha gonna do?)

I'm gonna kill another kitten for you. (crack!)

QUINCY

Can I try?

KEVIN

Certainly. To the beat, please, and sing it with me.

(Quincy is killing cats, now)

Violence! Violence!

America's fine with Violence! (crack, kitten dead)

Words! Words!

America hates Words! (crack)

BEEP, BEEP

BEEP, BEEP

aw, yeah (crack)

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Pacifica, I've heard, suffered when George Carlin's words

landed them in Fed'ral Court

It served those hippies right, broadcasting that tripe

when they could have been talkin' up war!

I hope you learned YOUR lesson, cause now I'm confessin'

I've only about three cats left here

I'll leave them with you for your family to 'do'

for when obscenities burn your ears.

(music continues to play)

QUINCY

Thanks, Kevin J. Martin, chairman of the FCC!

KEVIN

No problem.

SANDY

Kevin Martin, you bastard, get out of my house-OOF!

(Kevin punches her in the gut, and then holds her up)

KEVIN

Hush. This is for your own good.

(head-butts Sandy, knocking her to floor. Makes sign of the cross over her)

go and cuss no more.

MARK

That's it, I'm going to kick your-

(Kevin grabs censorship rectangle from Quincy and cracks Mark on head, knocking him out.)

QUINCY

I feel more acceptable already!

(Reaches in box for more kittens to kill)

KEVIN

(As he talks, Quincy throws dead kittens to audience.)

Yes! America approves of violence. It's sanctioned by churches and community groups like the Crips and Bloods and 9^th Street Assassins, and it keeps our vulnerable youth from engaging in unprotected butt (BEEP) (BEEP!). So next time you're tempted to swear at a loved one, don't. There's no excuse for vulgar language. Instead, beat them mercilessly! After all, that can be televised!

(Lights out as Quincy kicks Kevin in the shin and then balls, knocking him to floor and begins kicking him in the stomach and side.)

# posted by SafeTinspector : 5:56 PM