Monday, May 30, 2005
Snickers
CAST
Lou Thompson – Male Age, 32
Lynn Thompson – Female Age, 28
(Kitchen. Man sits at table. Lou tears open a Snickers bar and eats it in two bites. Almost gagging, he chews. Chocolate is now smeared on his right cheek.)
Mmm...
(Licks fingertips)
Oh, shit...
(suddenly grabs Snicker's wrapper and sits on it. Wipes hands on shirt and sits up straight.
Lynn enters and walks up to table.)
LYNN
Hey, Lou? Have you seen my Snicker's bar?
LOU
(shifty)
No. Not at all. Nope. Did you have a Snicker's bar?
LYNN
Well, you KNOW I did. I bought it while we were on our way home from Church this morning, remember? I just put it on the table, like, 15 minutes ago.
LOU
Are you sure? I don't seem to remember that.
LYNN
Yeah, we stopped at 7-11, you got a bag of gummy worms and ate them all at once? You said something about being a big BIG fishy?
LOU
(looking away)
No. I'm pretty sure I'd remember something like that.
LYNN
Come, on! Lou. Did you eat my Snickers?
LOU
Honey, I don't even know what you're talking about! There never WAS a Snickers bar! And if there was, why would I lie about it? I swear to God in heaven above that I would never have eaten your candy bar.
LYNN
(leaning in close, holding Lou's chin up to examine his face. Accusatory tone)
Then... what's this on your face?
LOU
(touches face, looks at finger tip)
Um...this?
LYNN
Yeah, that. Chocolate.
LOU
(laughing with forced nonchalance)
Ha, ha, ha! This? Its not chocolate. It's... um... its just some shit.
LYNN
Yeah, chocolate, Lou!
LOU
No, this is just shit. Not chocolate. Crap. Smeared on my face.
LYNN
Jesus, Lou, there's shit on your face?
LOU
Absolutely. You wanna smell it?
LYNN
No, I do not “wanna smell it.” How the hell did you end up with shit on your face? Why didn't you clean it off?
LOU
I didn't clean it off, because... um...
LYNN
(crossing arms)
I'm waiting, stinky.
LOU
I ...like it. On my face.
(pause, nervously)
I like the poop.
LYNN
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
LOU
It means that you don't trust me, Lynn. You accused me of eating your chocolate, and now you owe me an apology.
LYNN
Honey, I'm not going to apologize to you when you're sitting there, LITERALLY SHIT-FACED!
LOU
I love you.
LYNN
(hurt sounding)
Don't you try to change the subject. How long have you... liked... crap...
(sobbing)
...on your face?!?
(head in hands, silently sobbing)
LOU
Sweety, how long I've enjoyed the feel of warm human waste slowly hardening on my cheeks shouldn't matter so much as the fact that we can show each other trust, and respect. This crusty, pungent, evidence of the vitality of life I have smeared on my face, by virtue of the fact that it is not chocolate, is a token of my trustworthiness and dependability as a husband. No matter how much I crave the corny, simple pleasure of dung dabbled on my stubbly chin, I love you far, far more.
LYNN
(stops sobbing, looks up from hands toward Lou, sniffing.)
Do you really mean that?
LOU
Yeah, honey. I do. And I love you so much, I'll give up my love of poop for you. Cold turkey.
LYNN
You will? You'd give up all that? For me?
LOU
(knodding, standing, arms out for a hug)
I swear, this is the last time, the very last time, that you will ever see me with ca-ca on this face that adores you so, very, very, much.
LYNN
(smiling, tears streaming)
Oh, Louie! I'm sorry I doubted you!
(leans in for a hug, stops to switch shoulders to avoid smeared cheek. Smiles.)
LOU
Ah, my Lynn.
LYNN
(looks down behind Lou, sees candy bar wrapper on chair. Pushes Lou away, picks up wrapper and brandishes it at
him)
LOU
(innocently)
Oh, did you eat your candy bar after all?
LYNN
(stuffs wrapper in Lou's mouth, storms off-stage. From off stage)
Shit head!
Check out the OTHER scenes, too!