Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Tutan-uncommon American Dream
“Tutan-uncommon American Dream”
CAST
Tutankhomen – Age, 4000
Bob – Male Age, 30
(Tutankhomen sits behind a desk, phone against his bandage wrapped head.)
TUT
Sir, I represent a local charity, you might have heard of it, the United People For Making People Happy. I'd like to know how much we can put you down for.
(pause)
Yes.
(pause. Sighs)
No.
(shorter pause)
Well, perhaps you've heard of it by its acronym, "Up for Map-Hap?" That's us!
Then would you be interested in subscribing to our quarterly newsletter? It's only $52 a year-that's like only a dollar a day!
(shorter pause. A little angry)
Would it interest you to know that I can have Osirus feed upon your entrails while you scream for mercy, forever regretting your pitiful decision to ignore the pleas of “Up for MAP HAP?”
(pause)
I understand, sir, and I'd love to accommodate your request, but the embalmers removed the necessary parts and put them in a jar, and some damn grave-robber stole the friggin' jar!
(pause)
Alright, then, thanks for your time.
(turns to audience)
BOB
(offstage)
So, how do you like the work?
TUT
Yeah, well, the jobs ok. Nothing like I had in the old world. But, you know, its not half bad. You make do, right? You gotta make do.
BOB
So, you're not disappointed in your life here in America?
TUT
I know its a cliché, but it could be worse. I mean, I commanded armies, drank the milk of virgins, commanded the sun to rise and set, all that stuff. But you can't live in the past, and when you lose everything, you just have to start over. So, yeah. I like it ok.
If nothing else, I can sleep through sunrise or sunset and don't have to worry about the sun waiting up for me.
BOB
So you had to start over. Was that hard?
TUT
Of course it was hard! My stuff's all caught up in court by the assholes at the museum, so I got NOTHING, man. I came here with just the bandages on my back.
BOB
Was it hard getting this job? How about learning English?
TUT
(chuckles) Well, Bob, that's TWO questions, isn't it? Heh, heh. Well, English was easy. You may not realize this, but its the official language of the land of the dead.
BOB
No!
TUT
Oh, yeah! Except the scale of Anubis is metric now, not standard. If your soul is heavier than 1.3 grams, then you can't gain entrance to Starbucks.
(nodding)
That's when the Soul Eater gets you.
BOB
And getting the job?
TUT
This wasn't my first job, Bob. I was a waiter for awhile, but the bandages began smelling like cilantro and garlic. The wife wouldn't lay in the same sarcophogi with me! Then I worked as an executive assistant to a financial advisor.
(sighs)
That's when the curse kicked in.
BOB
Curse?
TUT
Curse of the Mummy, right? Damned inconvenient, that. He thoughtlessly took my tape dispenser without asking, so the curse forced me to stalk him by night and strangle him to death.
BOB
Crap...
TUT
Yeah! I hate that! The mandatory goose-stepping is rough on my hips, and strangling a man with your arms stretched straight out is really rough on your shoulders. And then it was back to the unemployment line.
BOB
They pay benefits to the undead?
TUT
Not at first, no. Americans fancy themselves all-inclusive and fair, but they aren't. Did you realize that as soon as you die, you lose all your property rights?
BOB
Uh, yeah...I think I did.
TUT
See? But I was able to get this..uh...
(fishes around in bandages. Pulls out a card)
Social security card off the internet. I don't know what happened to...
(reads card slowly)
...Peter VanWeidermaker, but he gets unemployment benefits when he's out of work, just the same!
So...anyway, I went to this job fair, and at first they weren't real receptive. Lots of,
(holds hands up in mock-terror)
“IT'S A MUMMY!” and “AAAAAAAAAHHH! HELP,” and “HE'S GOT ME! OH, GOD, HE'S TEARING MY ARMS OFF!” But then I met Frank. He's my supervisor here. He said I had just the right go-to attitude he was looking for. And now I'm gonna be somebody. The American dream is REAL!
BOB
Well, that's all the time we have for tonight.
TUT
(disappointed)
Oh, OK.
BOB
And that was this weeks episode of, “The New American Dream.” Thanks for tuning in folks.
TUT
(turns back to phone)
Sir, I represent a local charity, you might have heard of it, the United People For Making People Happy. I'd like to know how much we can put you down for.
(pause, laughs maniacally)
Excellent. You shall certainly live another day, sir.
Check out the OTHER scenes, too!