Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Steno Fiction
CAST
Prosecutor, Peter – Male, Age 32
Judge, Hank – Male Age, 60
Cannibal, Jules – Male Age, 25
Stenographer, Clarice – Female Age, 25
Defense lawyer, Tandi – Female Age, 30
(Court room. Cannibal, with face painted, holding a spear, tin foil on head and wearing a suit is sitting on witness stand. Stenographer is typing full speed, even when no one is talking. Peter is questioning the Cannibal. Judge is staring off into space)
PETER (skeptical)
So. You say you are no longer a cannibal.
CANNIBAL
Yeah, our dietitian convinced us that it would be far more healthy to adopt a vegan lifestyle.
PETER
And this dietitian, you ate him?
CANNIBAL
Well, at first we didn't really listen to him. We were sort-of in a hurry to get to a matinée of “The English Patient” and wanted to get dinner out of the way. But afterwards, we got to reading his pamphlets and thought he had some really good ideas.
PETER
So you admit to being a cannibal.
DEFENSE
I object! Prosecution is putting words in the defendant's mouth.
PETER
I was not!
JUDGE
(paying attention for first time)
I wasn't listening. Lets hear the record!
STENOGRAPHER
(chewing gum, lifts tape and begins reading in a bored voice)
Prosecution, So you admit to being a cannibal.
Defense, I object! Prosecution is putting words in the defendant's mouth.
Prosecution, I was not!
Judge, I wasn't listening. Lets hear the record.
Prosecution, What?
Judge, You've read too far-
PETER
(interrupting)
What?
JUDGE
You've read too far!
STENOGRAPHER
(continuing in bored voice)
Judge, This isn't funny, I'll have you know.
JUDGE
This isn't funny, I'll have you know.
STENOGRAPHER
Prosecution, Someone stop her.
PETER
Someone stop her!
JUDGE
Clarice! That's enough!
(Stenographer stops and looks up at the judge)
Alright. Now lets try again.
STENOGRAPHER
(exaggerated sigh)
Alright.
(reads from tape)
Prosecution, I was not!
Judge, I wasn't listening. Lets hear the record.
Stenographer, Prosecution, I was not!
Stenographer, Judge, I wasn't listening. Lets hear the record.
Stenographer, Stenographer, Prosecution, I was not!
Stenographer, Stenographer, Judge, I wasn't listening. Lets hear the record.
Stenographer, Stenographer, Stenographer, Prosecution, I was not!
Stenographer, Stenographer, Stenographer, -
JUDGE
(waving impatiently)
Yes, yes, yes, but what about the objection?
STENOGRAPHER
(flips the tape back and begins reading again.)
Prosecution, so you're no longer a cannibal.
JUDGE
No, no, after that.
STENOGRAPHER
(searches through tape)
Um...
(finds a spot)
Stenographer, stenographer, stenographer, stenographer, stenographer-
JUDGE
TOO FAR!
STENOGRAPHER
Judge, TOO FAR!
JUDGE
That's what I said!
STENOGRAPHER
Judge, that's what I said!
Prosecution, this is ridiculous.
PETER
This is ridiculous!
STENOGRAPHER
Prosecution, my first sexual experience was at the age of 15 when I and ten other boys chanced upon a bag of rubber bands and an electric toaster.
(There is a pause. Everyone looks at Peter. Cannibal directs a particularly disgusted glare at Peter.)
PETER
(looking around at everyone)
I... wasn't actually going to say that.
DEFENSE
It was on the record, Peter.
JUDGE
Objection sustained!
Check out the OTHER scenes, too!