Tuesday, November 22, 2005
LEFT OUT v2.5
“LEFT OUT”
11/21/05 (version #2.5)
CAST
Shane McFrenchiman – 32, Male (office worker)
Diane Goodheart – 27, Female (on the bubbly side)
Vinny Jonsonni – 46, Male (New Yorker, rough voice)
Johnny – 26, Male (Young, enthusiastic type A)
Sally – 28, Female (with an English accent)
(Break room. Diane, Vinny, and Johnny are standing together by water cooler. They are all laughing. Laughter stops for a moment.)
DIANE
I don't get it.
JOHNNY
OK, so its like this, Diane...
(Shane pokes head in. Everyone pointedly ignores him.)
VINNY
(under his breath)
bastard.
SHANE
(Shane walks up to the group)
Hey, guys. Monday, huh?
JOHNNY
That's what my calendar says, anyway! Ha ha ha ha!
SHANE
Uh, yeah. So...where were you guys over the weekend?
SALLY
(bad English accent)
Why ever should you ask that?
SHANE
Well, Sally, I drove by the office and all your cars were here. The office was locked and the alarm set, so I know you guys weren't here....
SALLY
As a simple matter of course, Shane, we were, uh, we were...you tell him, Johnny dear.
JOHNNY
-we were all really drunk on Friday night, and we got cabs home. You should've stayed, man!
SHANE
I worked late on Friday. Alone. As always. No one but me, my laptop and my eraser gnomes.
(pauses)
And they were the only ones drunk.
DIANE
Oh, come-on, guys. Even I remember! We were JUST talking about it, we were-
VINNY
Up in DonFantastique's office! Yeah, that's where we were all getting' drunk off the big bastard's mini-bar. That smokin' hot bastard said we could get us some.
SHANE
No... No, I think I would remember seeing you guys when I went up to leave my quarterly report on his desk.
JOHNNY
Did you check his bathroom?
SHANE
You were all drunk in the Boss' private bathroom?
VINNY
Fuckin' HOT! .....bastard.
DIANE
Oooooh....I wish I remembered this.
SALLY
Hush, Diane.
SHANE
Diane, you don't remember it because it didn't happen. You all went somewhere without me, didn't you?
(they exchange guilty looks)
VINNY
(very quiet)
bastard.
JOHNNY
OK, you got us. We all went to Peoria, Illinois.
SHANE
Peoria.
JOHNNY
It was hard to tell, what with the strange language they all used. Sounded a lot like Canadian. It was Peoria, right sugar?
SALLY
Quite right, darling. We didn't think you wanted to go, and there simply wasn't enough room in the limo, what with the hot-tub and the servants.
VINNY
Those were some hot bastards.
DIANE
I got this T shirt!
(lifts blouse to reveal a shirt that reads “HOSER went to Peoria, A!”)
I think it says, “Jesus Loves Peoria!”
SALLY
It might. Who can tell, who can tell?
SHANE
And Sally, what is with the accent? You're from Newark!
SALLY
Funny story, that!
JOHNNY
Tell him the story, darling!
SALLY
I was about to, hush. Well, there was a fellow that had a bag filled with industrial adhesive and he was breathing the fumes and having such a wonderful time. Vinny here said it made the fellow look like a “hot bastard”-
VINNY
-damn straight!
SALLY
-So I simply HAD to try it. When I awoke, I had this wonderful new accent. A pity it didn't help me understand Canadian.
SHANE
You got an English accent by huffing glue. Jesus Christ!
DIANE
(lifting shirt again)
-loves PEORIA!
SHANE
(ignoring Diane)
Where did you really go? Vegas? Disney World? Nantucket?
JOHNNY
We are telling the truth! Why would we leave you behind if we went somewhere fun? We all love you Shane!
VINNY
HOT!
DIANE
I thought we didn't want him to come because...
JOHNNY
he wouldn't enjoy eating paper. Which is why we were in Peoria. Paper eating convention. They had a ream of this stuff that would give you an orgasm just from chewing on it!
SHANE
Orgasmic paper.
SALLY
Funny that, not ALL the paper had that effect. I found myself faking it a lot.
DIANE
I saved some stationary from the Peoria hotel for later. It doesn't work. Watch!
(pulls paper from pocket, begins chewing.)
SHANE
Which one of you came up with this crap? It was you, wasn't it, Johnny?
JOHNNY
Oh, come ON, Shane! You think I wanted us to all have fun and for you to stay here and be bored all night working late with nothing but your eraser gnome for company?
VINNIE
Bastard!
SHANE
You did NOT go to Peoria to a paper-eating convention! Sally did not get an accent from huffing. And frankly, I can't believe you all worked so hard to screw with me like this. If you didn't want me to go wherever it is you went, you could've just come out and told me. Christ, what a bunch of cowards!
(leaves)
VINNIE (sadly, after Shane)
....hot?
DIANE
Gee, maybe we should have asked him along.
JOHNNY
Nah.
SALLY
Oh, he's just a bit cross for almost literally no reason at all.
(Delivery man enters) DELIVERY GUY
UPS. Got a... ream of Peoria paper here.
VINNIE
SMOKIN' HOT DAY IN THE MORNING!
(johnny signs for the package, everyone begins eating paper and having orgasms.)