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Thursday, January 05, 2006

Plumber's Visit v2

1/5/2006 (version 2)


CAST

Candice – Age 52,

Frank – Age 31

(one-room apartment. Candice, seated on love-seat, holds a plush tiger. Plush animals line up on couch facing TV)

(knock, knock!)

CANDICE

Just a moment!

(Gets up, holding Tiger, walks to and opens door)


FRANK

(bored)

Pep-rally Plumbers, ma'am. 'We're rooting for you.'

What seems to be the problem?


CANDICE

Come in! I'll show you the problem.

(leads Frank behind love-seat to kitchen sink. Lifts plush Tiger)

This is my accountant, Lord Bromley, CPA.


FRANK

(puzzled)

Uh...hello...Mister Bromley.


CANDICE

(irritated. Shakes Lord Bromley in Frank's face)

That's LORD Bromley. He's only practicing accountancy because his family lost their inheritance in a stock scandal...anyway, he says there's something wrong with the garbage disposal.

FRANK

Alright...(pause)..LORD Bromley, lets see what's wrong.

(begins looking in sink)


CANDICE

(puts Bromley on counter facing Frank. Picks up plush piggy.)

Percival Piggy-Pants, my French personal trainer, says it stopped working yesterday afternoon. What's that, Percy?

(pauses, listens to Percy.)

Oh, I don't think he speaks French. I'll tell him.

(to Frank)

He says he was making me a fruit smoothy after our workout, and couldn't get the melon rinds to go down. What? (pauses) Oh, and he thinks you're very handsome and wants to know if you're gay.

FRANK

(reaches in disposal and pulls out melon rind)

Well...(pause)..Percy, I found your melon. Lets see what else is wrong.

CANDICE

(throwing Percy off stage)

Thank you, Percy, that will be all.

(brushes hands together. Looks at Bromley)

Lord Bromley, why didn't you bring Sissy Smarty-Puss with you today?

FRANK

(Rummaging in disposal)

Sissy Smarty-Puss?

CANDICE

His...wife (pause) Lord Bromley where is Sissy Smarty-Puss?

(looks expectantly at Bromley)


FRANK

(presents wad of pink fluff)

I found your problem, ma'am. It looks like-


CANDICE

(interrupting, screams!)

OH MY GOD!!! SISSY! OH, SHIT! Bromley, how could you?!?

(runs screaming out door)


FRANK

(irritated, calls after her)

Listen, lady, I-

(Candice screaming from a distance, growing fainter)

FRANK

(looking at Bromley)

I don't suppose you can write me a check for this.

(Bromley mocks Frank in silence)


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