Monday, May 30, 2005
Euripides Johnson
This scene represents an attempt at using a psuedo-Greek Tragedy format for a comedy scene. It didn't success too well, but I think parts of it are still funny.
CAST
Euripides Johnson – Male, age 42
Chorus – everyone who is not currently in the scene. All exiting players rejoin the chorus
Man1
Man2
Woman1
Woman2
(Euripides and man1 sit at a bar.)
EURIPIDES (to bartender)
Another one, barkeep, to get my mind off my troubles.
MAN1 as guy in bar
Man, that was, like, the 38th Bay Breeze you’ve had since I got here two minutes ago! What kind of past are you trying to wash away?
EURIPIDES
You don’t even want to know. My life’s like a frickin’ greek tragedy.
MAN1 as guy in bar
Tell me! I have time, and I love to hear about the suffering of others. It helps me maintain my sence of superiority.
EURIPIDES
Fine, (heavy sigh) you asked for it.
(Euripides stands up and walks toward center of stage. Man1 leaves stage, taking second chair. Euripides is alone momentarily. Stage is dark except for spotlight on Euripides. Presently he addresses the audience)
Truly I am a most fortunate man
A man among men, before you I stand,
With a job to be envied
Selling copper pipe… in bulk
Of course I am married to a beautiful lady
(woman2 runs up and kisses him. Pauses)
Happily, as well; I’ve had sex at least once a week, lately.
(woman2 smiles at audience, nods, joins chorus)
and a son, so strong
(Euripides catches football thrown from off-stage. Man2 runs out and takes football. Hugs Euripides)
so handsome. And straight.
(Man2 runs to chorus.)
truly nothing could go wrong!
Yeah, success is my fate!
(sits in chair as if it is a couch. Picks up remote, makes like flippin’ channels)
But now I want
to sit and unwind
With my TV remote,
Lets just see what I’ll find.
(Woman1 comes on stage and passes to stage left and faces Euripides. Euripides sits facing her as she passes, uses remote to turn on TV. All other players join chorus. Lights up)
WOMAN1 as newswoman
I’m Kathy Tomlinson, Channel 8 news. Bad shit may already be happening to you! Tune in at 11.
EURIPIDES
These Daily warnings, you always state,
Kathy Tomlinson, channel 8!
But every day you exaggerate,
the apparent direness of my fate.
CHORUS
But she seems so sincere, Euripides!
WOMAN1 as newswoman
Your drinking water may have a deadly chemical in it that may turn your children gay! Tune in at 11 to learn more about this danger! Channel 8 is watching out for you!
(Woman1 returns to chorus.)
MAN1 as son
(walks past couch drinking from a glass)
Hey, dad, want a drink of water?
(becomes newsman)
CHORUS
Euripides! Listen to the newspeople!
MAN1 as newsman
(Snarky, like hard-copy)
This man, Paul Snarky, says he just wants to help your small business clean its ashtrays. Watch as we find out how he’s just out to help himself clean you out. Stay tuned to Channel 8 news Trouble Resolvers! And then… are State troopers forcing car accident victims to give them sex? We may or may not have evidence!
(man1 returns to chorus, Man2 replaces him)
EURIPIDES
Fuck these newspeople. Everyone knows
The news is just here to sell Wallside Windows
See, disaster breeds ratings, and ratings sell ads,
for Allstate insurance, and stay-free maxi-pads.
CHORUS
Perhaps you are right, Euripides.
MAN2 as weatherman
1 to 47 inches of rain could fall during the night in what could be the STORM OF 2005! The radar shows a fluffy cloud! At least a 5% chance of precipitation! Channel 8 will be with you throughout this weather emergency!
CHORUS
This sounds important!
MAN1 as son
(from his place in the chorus)
Hey, Dad, that weatherman sure is cute!
(man2 moves to backline. Is replaced by a woman1 as Euripides speaks)
EURIPIDES
Every time, they seek to sow
fears of rain, and wind and snow.
Exaggeration is this station’s
only mode of operation.
WOMAN1 as newswoman
Look at this footage of policemen! Why are they running and yelling? Channel 8 is live on the scene. Stay tuned!
EURIPIDES
So what if they have busted
A hooker, a car thief
Or maybe a seller of kiddie porn?
How could that affect me?
WOMAN1 as newswoman
We have an important and dangerous consumer recall to tell you about. Coming up in just a few minutes!
EURIPIDES
Pfagh! If it were important, you would tell me now.
CHORUS
What if you have a defective product?
WOMAN1 as newswoman
You could have this defective product!
CHORUS
See?
WOMAN1 as newswoman
Stay tuned to see what it is! Channel 8 is looking out for YOU!
(returns to chorus line)
WOMAN2 as wife
(from chorus, urgently)
Euripides!
EURIPIDES
(holding up hand)
Wife! Can’t you see I’m busy complaining?
This newscast has but minutes remaining!
WOMAN2 as wife
(walks downstage)
Yes, but our son
So strong. So handsome.
Has become gay.
CHORUS
He drank the water!
EURIPIDES
Oh, no, he drank the water; the newswoman warned
But now it is too late for me, no grandchildren will be born!
WOMAN2 as wife
It is worse than that, husband!
CHORUS
Oh, woe! What could be worse than your son going queer?
WOMAN2 as wife
He has just been arrested
CHORUS gasps
For being a gay prostitute,
CHORUS gasps
stealing a car
CHORUS gasps
selling kiddie porn.
CHORUS gasps
And is now in jail
I must go pick him up,
In our 1998 Dodge Caravan.
(Woman2 leaves, returns to chorus. Man1 becomes newsman)
EURIPIDES
If only I had just paid heed
to the channel 8 newscast’s honest need
to inform me of this possible fate
But perhaps its not too late!
Its not eleven thirty yet,
The news has more to say, I bet!
MAN1 as newsman
Now for that recall information. Chrysler has announced a massive recall of 1998 Dodge Caravans
EURIPIDES
Oh, NO!
(stands up, hands covering mouth)
MAN1 as newsman
Sources say that their brakes may fail if driven in the rain. Like the rain falling outside right now. If you have one of these vehicles, contact your Dodge dealer immediately for a free repair. Definitely do not drive it at all. Especially on a rainy night like tonight.
(Man1 returns to line. Woman1 walks up to Euripides, who turns to face her)
WOMAN1 as state trooper
I, Sandra O’Connor of the state police, regret to inform you that your wife has been in an accident.
CHORUS
Euripides, your wife is dead!
WOMAN1 as state trooper
Your wife is dead. She had just picked up your son on bond. But he’s ok, not a scratch on the little flamer.
EURIPIDES
My wife is gone, but at least my son is alive!
And though he’s gay, I swear I’ll strive
To tolerate his faggot ways, for without him I’d be all alone.
So where is he, officer, just when’s he coming home?
CHORUS
He can’t come home, he’s back in jail.
WOMAN1 as state trooper
I’m afraid your chorus is right, sir. After the accident he was caught giving Vaseline handjobs to a state trooper for $15.
(Woman1 returns to chorus, is replaced by Man2)
CHORUS
Poor Euripides! He is fucked!
MAN2 as FBI agent
(shakes Euripides’ hand)
Bob Case, FBI. You hired a man to clean out the ashtrays in your office. I’m sorry to say this man was none other than Paul Snarky. You’ve lost your business and you the bank will be here tomorrow to take possession of your house.
CHORUS
Poor Euripides! He is truly fucked.
EURIPIDES
(careful that second sentence matches timing of first, although it is not intuitive)
I am well and truly fucked.
So bad I have no interest in rhyming it.
Oh, what the hell. Tucked.
Gonads buy half a test thin timing shit.
(Euripides sits. Man1 sets chair next to him. They are now in bar again. Chorus remains)
MAN1 as guy in bar
Shit, man, that’s harsh! So… what happened next?
EURIPIDES
(swigs from drink. Macarena begins playing)
My son went to Sweden for a sex change. Oh, and the chorus took up the Macarena as a hobby.
(chorus begins doing the Macarena. Man1 gets up and begins to move toward the chorus, bobbing to the beat. Euripides goes back to nursing a drink)
MAN1 as guy in bar
Really? I love the Macarena. Your chorus rules!
(joins chorus in doing the Macarena)
EURIPIDES
(to bartender)
Another one for the tragic hero. Keep them Bay Breeze’s comin’!
CHORUS
(singing along with music)
He-ey! Macarena! ... OPA!
Check out the OTHER scenes, too!