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“Sam the Fish”

01/07/06 (version #2)

CAST

Tom – 45, Male

Rick – 43, Male

Fish – 4, Male, a large salmon

(Two men sit on a bench nearby a river)

RICK

Damn foreman in my crap all the time. If it weren't for these lunch times out here by the rouge I would absolutely go postal.

TOM

I know what you mean. It helps to just watch the water before going back into that damn plant and putting up with the bull-crap.

(optionally, two men can engage in improvised banter while man in fish suit proceeds to “swim” through crowd slowly, possibly engaging with audience. Ultimately, fish suited man will be on floor next to stage with fin up. The two men look down into water)

RICK

You see that fin?

TOM

Yeah. That is the biggest salmon I've ever seen.

RICK

Look at how it just sidles up next to the seawall. He ain't moving too fast.

TOM

If I were living in the Rouge river, I don't know as I'd be all that energetic, either. Tough to swim through water you can probably chew.

(both look for a moment)

RICK

I bet I can catch that bastard.

TOM

Sure, but we have no net. You gonna catch him with your bare hand?

(Rick walks to waters edge, rolls up sleeve, pauses, and quickly snaps up the fin of the salmon. Pulls salmon out of water. Man in salmon suit flops around, trying to wriggle free of Rick's grasp.)

FISH

Hey, let me go, asshole!

TOM

That fish totally called you an asshole.

RICK

He did!

(lets go of the fish. Man in fish suit stands, brushing himself off)

FISH

That's right, asshole. What right do you have to yank me out of there? Huh? I was minding my own business.

(menaces Tom)

TOM

(backing off, hands up)

It was all Rick, man. I had nothing to do with it, Mr. Trout.

FISH

That's Salmon, to you.

(turns to Rick)

What do you have to say for yourself? Got nothing better to do than to torment me?

RICK

Dude, we were just out here having lunch, relaxing and trying to forget our troubles, and we saw you just hanging there by the shore. I really wasn't thinking, really. Really!

FISH

(calming a little bit)

That's pretty obvious. From the look of you two, thinking is something that happens to other people, am I right?

TOM

How insulting!

FISH

I calls 'em like I sees em. So what troubles do you two healthy land-dwellers have?

RICK

Mr. Salmon-

FISH

Please, call me Sam.

RICK

Sam, uh, I feel weird telling you about it, but the foreman keeps jumping my shit. But I do everything he tells me!

FISH

Jesus, is that all? OK, you-

RICK

Rick.

FISH

Ok, Rick: what does this foreman guy say you're doing wrong?

RICK

He says I have a bad attitude.

FISH

Do you?

RICK

No, I just don't take shit from nobody.

FISH

Maybe that comes across as being a jerk. Did you ever think of leaving the bait on the hook and just swimming away?

RICK

So I should just take it?

FISH

Yeah. No matter what, it ain't a real problem. Not compared to me. I was waiting there to die, you know!

TOM

Sam, you're dying? That's terrible! You look so healthy.

(fish begins coughing)

FISH

Got laid.

TOM

That can't be bad.

FISH

Well, no, not so much. We salmon all die after spawning. Dying or getting eaten by a bear is the male salmon version of rolling over and going to sleep.

TOM

Not too many bears around here.

FISH

No, Einstein, there ain't no bears in the Rouge plant.

RICK

Makes me feel a little silly worrying about that foreman.

FISH

That's right. Next time, just nod, thank him for the suggestion, and get back to work. You'll be on top in no time!

RICK

You know, that makes sense. Maybe I am being a dick. Thanks, Sam!

FISH

Yeah, whatever. Well, I gotta go swim for a while before I go belly-up. You guys take care.

(dives offstage and swims slowly away.)

TOM

He is so wise.

RICK

Farewell, noble fishy! We love you!

FISH (as he is swimming backstroke away from stage)

Shut up, you queer.