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“WTF”

01/07/06 (version #2.5)

CAST

Judy – Female, Age 30 (polite and bright)

Bob – Male, Age 25 (very whiney and speaks slowly)

Ms.P – Male, Age 50 (Gruff, writing as Female, Age 19)

DarkOps1 – Male, Age 25 (furtive)

Easel – Korean Male, Age 20 (English as second language)

Bruce – Male, Age 30 (slimy salesman type)

Police – Anyone, Any age

(Six chairs on stage, in order from left to right are seated Judy, Bob, Ms.P, DarkOps1, Easel and BRUCE. All characters perform object and character work appropriate to their identity and consistent with sitting at computers in their homes/offices, even while others are speaking. As each character talks, they are typing their dialog on their computers.)

JUDY

(acts as if she is waiting. Bob presses a button dramatically. Judy brightens and speaks)

Welcome to ElectroCore Technologies tech support chat room. I'm Judy in Chicago, and I have Easel from Korea on duty with me today. I see your name is Bob. What seems to be the problem?

EASEL

I Easel, is here helped. I am a man!

JUDY

(chuckles)

Alright, Easel. Let see if we can help Bob out.

EASEL

I feel helping!

BOB

(slowly up-speaking)

Hello? my name is Bob? I have a problem? with my printer?

EASEL

Bob! To advance from the printer it is possible the paper? Bob?

BOB

I think... Wait. What?

JUDY

(Chuckles)

Sorry. Maybe I should try. Bob, what seems to be the problem with your printer?

BOB

Well...I can't seem to get anything to come out. It says here... um....

EASEL

I think I know wrong what is. Is the printer which is inserted? Sunspot, custard, with option ten for them all to eat?

JUDY

Easel, I know you want to help...

EASEL

It is, I am Easel!

BOB

Hello?

MS.P

(Interrupting)

(speaking in a gruff Brooklyn accent, somewhat seductive)

Hi, I'm Miss P! I'm 19, blond, 110 pounds, and I could use lots of help!

EASEL

I, Miss P, of your desire the fact that it helps!

BOB

I can't seem to get anything to come out.

(pause)

Did I already type that?

JUDY

Miss P, I don't think you understand what this chat room is all about.

MS.P

Judy, from one girl to another, I think we BOTH know what this room is “all about”.

BOB

(Looks behind him in alarm and then types)

I was wrong about nothing coming out. There is something coming out.

(begins fanning at printer)

MS.P

(serreptitiously rubbing himself)

Oh, yeah? And what are you going to do with what's coming out?

BOB

Its flaming! What do I do?

MS.P

(to self)

This is more like it.

(typing)

What do you WANT to do with it? My perky, firm breasts are heaving as I breath hard in anticipation. My OFFENSIVE CONTENT FILTERED is flaming hot, too! Can you guess what I'm putting in it?

EASEL

Judy, my French is not good so much. Is the attempt of Miss P to help?

JUDY

MS.P, this chat room is for people who want to help each other! You're not helping! Bob, unplug the printer!

EASEL

Yes! Unplug the printer! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob!

MS.P

(puzzled, pauses in mid-rub)

Alright...I'm pretty sure I understand what the “printer” is, but what sexy activity is “unplugging” supposed to be?

BOB

I'm unplugging it!

(begins disconnecting things)

BRUCE

Hi! I'm Bruce Bankloft, and I have a question for you.

EASEL

I...am a man. Questions! Answers!

BRUCE

(chuckles, speaks very fast)

Of course, Easel. I want to tell you about a woman I know, who doesn't even have a high-school degree. She is making twenty thousand dollars a month from the privacy of her home. I could hardly believe it either, but its true! And now I know the secret. Would you like to know the secret as well?

JUDY

Bruce, I'm afraid no one here is interested. This chat room is for helping people with their ElectroCore products.

BOB

(tries to touch printer. Burns hand. Turns to keyboard)

Man, its still hot! Really hot! Hold on...

(turns back to printer)

MS.P

(rubbing self again)

Bob, don't hold back! Tell me what you're doing; I'm touching my little, hot, 19 year old, OFFENSIVE CONTENT FILTERED, thinking of you!

BRUCE

(typing, speaking very fast)

But Judy, I am helping. I'm helping people achieve financial independence. I have a secret! It really does work, and you can make UNLIMITED income...in your spare time!

(over his shoulder)

Honey, someone is at the door. Can you get it?

DARKOPS1

(hunched over keyboard, darting glances to left and right)

CIA operative DARKOPS1 here. I have the item, and I'm ready to make the drop.

(places Chicken Dance Elmo on table next to keyboard)

Its only a matter of time before (airquotes) 'J-is-for-Kill' tracks the item's radioactive psychic aura back to my secret lair.

EASEL

J is not for Kill. Can you not see what is already typed?

DARKOPS1

(writes furiously on a piece of paper. Reads it, shoves it in his mouth and swallows)

Bruce, I've just sent instructions to have the room cleansed.

MS.P

DarkOps1, I'm pretty sure I understand what the 'room' is, but I am not too clear on what sexy activity cleansing is?

BOB

OK, the fire is out, and the printer is cooling down.

MS.P

(alarmed)

Oh, Bob, honey, what did I say? Don't let the fire go out now! I'm still hot for you!

BRUCE

(over his shoulder)

See who's at the door. They sure are knocking hard.

(typing, speaking very fast)

Well, DARKOPS1, I'm looking forward to that cleansing. But how would you like to make unlimited amounts of cash from the privacy of your home, all without even taking off your pajamas?

DARKOPS1

The Russian mafia laced my pajamas with PCP, LSD and Ben-Gay. Now I sleep naked in a cardboard box on the living room floor. If you were my operator, you would already know that. Are you sure you're my 'op?

(holds knife to wrist while anxiously waiting for answer)

JUDY

Darkops1, if you don't have a technical support question, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

EASEL

Judy! I am feeling please!

JUDY

(frustrated)

Whatever.

BOB

MS.P, I'm pretty sure my printer is ruined, so... Um.....

(pause)

Could you tell me more about your OFFENSIVE CONTENT FILTERED?

MS.P

Well, did I mention that it's tight, wet, and I've never OFFENSIVE CONTENT FILTERED before? Would you like to be my first? Bob?

BRUCE

(over shoulder)

Police? Uh, tell them I'll be right there.

(typing, desperate and fast)

Folks, it looks like I might have to leave soon. I'm going to post a link to my website, where you can post your contact information. Soon afterwards, I'll be sending you detailed instructions for this opportunity of a lifetime! Opportunity is knocking!

EASEL

Oh, I love jokes of knocking-knocking! Who's there?

DARKOPS1

(putting down knife.

Waving Chicken Dance Elmo)

This is no joke, little man. Bruce, send me the link. I still have the item! All the people I've killed, my criminal and government empire in ruins, my Lean Cuisine Swedish meatballs dried up and overcooked in the microwave AS WE SPEAK; I'm in too deep to quit now!

JUDY

DARKOPS1, I think you do need help. More than we can give you in this chat room.

BOB

MS.P, I would love to be your first. I've always wanted to OFFENSIVE CONTENT FILTERED a virgin before. Just think, if my printer hadn't OFFENSIVE CONTENT FILTERED itself, we never would have met.

MS.P

Yeah. Lets get out of here.

(MS.P and Bob get up, hold hands, and begin walking off stage)

So...you like it on top, or on bottom?

EASEL

Bob! Glad I was to helping you nightly!

JUDY

They're gone, Easel. You can stop now.

EASEL

I think you mean I can stopping now.

POLICE

(Bruce is sitting on stage, back to audience hands behind his back as if cuffed. Police is typing at his station)

This is the New Mexico State Police. We are placing Bruce Bankloft, a.k.a. Uncle Milty, Hugo Ingermann, French McCorkwinsky, and Bull Grapes, under arrest for fraud. The phone number I am posting on the screen can be used for testimony if you want to report additional information.

(force marches Bruce off-stage)

DARKOPS1

They got 'em! We're next! Cover is blown! Signing out!

(stands up, picks up gas can from floor, begins dousing workstation.)

EASEL

Glad I was to helping you nightly, Darkops1!

DARKOPS1

(kisses Chicken Dance Elmo and then sticks it up shirt. Stops to type)

No prob, Easel, my man. Perhaps I will see you at Denny's sometime.

(returns to dousing)

JUDY

(puts head down on table. Listlessly types)

Easel. How would you like to run this chat room for awhile?

(Darkops1 sets fire to computer and flees the stage. Sirens begin to sound.)

EASEL

Honor and obey, in sickness and in health!

JUDY

OFFENSIVE CONTENT FILTERED. I'm going to get some coffee.

(stands and leaves stage)

EASEL

(all alone now. Typing with a big smile)

I feel enjoy as I am Good to grant to the room of chat of the service of of of technical assistance at Electrocore Technologies, where the people meet so that you soaking wetly. I will be Judy, and I will be helping you nightly!