SafeTinspector Scenes

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CAST

Shane – 32, Male (weather man/crappy alt comic)

Diane – 27, Female (on the bubbly side)

Vinny – 46, Male (New Yorker, rough voice. C'mon!)

Johnny – 26, Male (Young, enthusiastic type A, married to Sally)

Sally – 28, Female (with an English accent, married to Johnny)

(Room with a table, Diane, Vinny, and Johnny are standing together by water cooler. All are jovially laughing. The laughter dies down, spent. All is quiet for just a beat)

DIANE

I don't get it.

JOHNNY

OK, so its like this, Diane...

(Shane pokes head in door quizzically, checking to see if anyone is in the breakroom.)

VINNY

Shane! C'mon in, you hot bastard, you.

SHANE

(stepping in)

Vinny. Hi...you...Vinny, you.

(Shane walks up to the group)

Monday, huh.

JOHNNY

That's what my calendar says, anyway! Ha ha ha ha!

SHANE

Uh, yeah. So...where were you guys over the weekend?

SALLY

Whyever should you ask that?

SHANE

Well, Sally, let me tell you why. I drove by the office and all your cars were here. The office was locked and the alarm set, so I know you guys weren't here....

SALLY

As a simple matter of course, Shane, we were, uh, we were...you tell him, Johnny dear.

JOHNNY

-we were all really drunk on Friday night, and we got cabs home. You should've stayed, man!

SHANE

I worked late on Friday. Alone. As always. Nothing but me and my laptop and my eraser gnomes.

(pauses)

And they were the only ones drunk.

DIANE

Oh, come-on, guys. Even I remember! We were JUST talking about it, we were-

VINNY

Up in DonFantastique's office! Yeah, that's where we were all getting' drunk off the big bastard's minibar. That smokin' hot bastard said we could get us some.

SHANE

No...

No, I think I would remember seeing you guys when I went up to leave my quarterly report on his desk.

JOHNNY

Did you check his bathroom?

SHANE

You were all drunk in the Boss' private bathroom?

VINNY

Fuckin' HOT! .....bastard.

DIANE

Oooooh....I wish I remembered this.

SALLY

Hush, Diane.

SHANE

Diane, you don't remember it because it didn't happen. You all went somewhere on the weekend without me, didn't you?

(everyone looks at eachother guiltily)

VINNY

(very quiet)

bastard.

JOHNNY

OK, you got us. We all went to an alternate dimension where eating paper produced instant orgasms. An alternate Peoria, Illinois.

SHANE

Peoria.

JOHNNY

It was hard to tell, what with the strange language they all used. Sounded a lot like Canadian. It was Peoria, right sugar?

SALLY

Quite right, darling. We didn't think you wanted to go, and there simply wasn't enough room in the limo, what with the hot-tub and the servants.

VINNY

Those were some hot bastards.

DIANE

I got this T shirt!

(lifts blouse to reveal a shirt that reads “Hoser went to Peoria, A!”)

I think it says, “Jesus Loves Peoria!”

SALLY

It might. Who can tell, who can tell?

SHANE

And Sally, what is with the accent? You're from Secaucus New Jersey!

SALLY

Funny story, that!

JOHNNY

Tell him the story!

SALLY

I was about to. Hush. Well, there was a fellow that had a bag filled with industrial adhesive and he was breathing the fumes and having such a wonderful time. Vinny here said it made the fellow look like a “hot bastard”-

VINNY

-damn straight!

SALLY

-So I simply HAD to try it. When I awoke, I had this wonderful new way of speech. A pity it didn't help me understand Canadian.

SHANE

You got an English accent by huffing glue. Jesus Christ!

DIANE

(lifting shirt again)

-LOVES PEORIA!

SHANE

(ignoring Diane)

Where did you really go. Vegas? Disney World? Nantucket?

JOHNNY

We are telling the truth! Why would we leave you behind? We all love you Shane!

VINNY

HOT!

DIANE

I thought we didn't want him to come because...

JOHNNY

he wouldn't enjoy eating paper.

SHANE

Oh yeah, the orgasmic paper.

SALLY

Funny that, not ALL the paper had that effect. I found myself faking it a lot.

DIANE

I saved some stationary from the Peoria hotel for later. It doesn't work. Watch!

(pulls paper from pocket, begins chewing.)

SHANE

Which one of you came up with this crap? It was you, wasn't it, Johnny?

JOHNNY

Nah, it was Vinny. He wanted us to all have fun and for you to stay here and be bored all night working late with nothing but your eraser gnome for company.

SHANE

Give me some of that paper.

(Takes paper from Diane, begins eating. Everyone leaves except for Shane. Eating paper)

Tastes like....ah...hmm...

(everyone leaves the stage. Shane sits. He is typing on a computer. Picks up a pencil and gazes at the gnome on the end.)

You're right. They WOULD all ditch me and go off together without telling me....but the dimensional thing seems a stretch.

GNOME

So maybe they go to Disneyworld.

p.s.:I'm thinking of changing the ending. Instead of the reveal being that it is all a fantasy of Shane, I would have Shane storm off in frustration at not being able to get the gang to admit the story is a sham. Then the reveal would be something that proves the story to, in actuality, be true. Perhaps they would receive a shipment of stationary from Peoria...