Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Narcissus Maximus
04/16/05
CAST
Jim Kernberg – Male, early 30's – Narcism victim
Kim Kernberg – Female, early 30's – His wife
Sarah – Female, late 20's – Kim's old friend
Bob – Male, late 20's – Kim's husband
Greta Linnensdorf – Female, early 40's – fairly severe
(Kitchen in a suburban household with doors leading outside on stage left and to living room stage right. Kim and Greta, who is holding a notebook and has reading glasses hung from her neck, sit at the kitchen table.)
GRETA
Mrs. Kernberg, as you know, today I will be trying a new technique on your husband. It is experimental, but I believe it holds great promise.
KIM
Do you really think it will help, Dr. Linnensdorf?
GRETA
(sighs)
Please, call me Greta. And honestly, I don't know. But you have nothing left to lose, eh? Let me do some paperwork and then we'll get started.
(there is a knock at the door. As Kim goes to open it, Greta puts on reading glasses, opens notebook and begins writing)
KIM
Sarah!
SARAH
(enters, hugs Kim)
Oh, Kim. How you holdin' out?
KIM
I'm holding on, you know? But its so hard... since Jim came down with Narcism. Want some coffee?
SARAH
Sure. Hello again, Greta.
GRETA
(waves off Sarah without looking up)
Yes, yes, hello again, Kim's friend Sarah.
SARAH
Bob's out parking the car. I brought him with me this time. He hasn't seen Jim since he... got sick.
(looking around)
Where is Jim, anyway?
KIM
He was upstairs picking out clothes last I saw him. (pause) That can take up to an hour these days. (sobs a little)
I'm so glad you came by again. I'm so lonely...
JIM
(walking in from stage right talks towards both women)
Ah, there you are! I've been meaning to tell you about something. There was this time I was hungry at work and looked up at the clock and realized it was already 12:30. (chuckles) That's, like, halfway through my normal lunch hour! (chuckles again, a little too long) So I gathered my things, went outside and ate lunch in my car while listening to top 40. Chumbawumba, I think. Tub-thumper?
KIM
Jim, me and Sarah were talking. Can you hold on for a-
JIM
I know what you're thinking. But it was a simple cheese and mayo sandwich that day. Really quite good, especially with my snack-sized bag of Lays. I wish you could've seen it!
(sits down next to Greta and begins examining his hands and arms. Greta stops writing, closes her notebook and watches Jim with interest. Jim occasionally whistles appreciatively. Smiles and shakes his head slowly in amazement.)
SARAH
Oh, Kim. He's even worse than last time! Bob is going to have a hard time with this. Jim was his best friend.
(Bob walks in from stage left)
BOB
(to Sarah)
Man, there's a lot of cars in this neighborhood. I had to park halfway down the street! Oh, hi, Kim.
(sees Jim. Walks over and thumps him on the back)
Jim! How you doin', bud? I heard you were a little sick!
JIM
(looking up at Bob)
Hey! I know! Who would like to watch me drink a glass of Orange juice? Huh? Huh?
BOB
Uh...
JIM
Okay! Here we go!
(dramatically gets up, and theatrically gets a glass from the cupboard, orange juice from the fridge, pours a glass, and begins to drink, with obvious, noisy pleasure.)
BOB
(looking crestfallen)
Jim?
SARAH
(lays hand on Bob's arm)
I told you, Bob. He's got Narcism. It's all about him now.
(Bob shrugs off Sarah's hand and walks close to Jim, looking into Jim's face with consternation as he drinks his juice. Sarah watches Bob and shakes her head sadly.)
Kim, how did this happen so fast?
KIM
I don't know, Sarah, I just don't know.
GRETA
(standing up and moving towards the women)
He was probably getting sick for YEARS. You, Kimberly Kernberg, simply ignored the many warning signs.
KIM
Well, I mean, men are pretty self centered anyway, right? I guess I should've spotted it coming, though. All those times he forgot my birthday and our anniversary, then when he started wearing cologne! Really! And that time he went out and bought himself a “World's #1 Dad” mug.
SARAH
But you don't have any children, Kim!
KIM
Yeah, I guess that should have been a clue. But its gotten so much worse lately, I'm getting desperate.
JIM
(finishing his juice)
Ah! That hit the spot. I'd drink another one for you, but I think you get the general idea. Oh! I put together a new scrapbook. Be right back.
(dashes off stage right. Bob starts to follow. Greta reaches out and stops him, shaking her head silently.)
KIM
I'm sorry you had to see him this way, Bob. He loved you, you know? He would've wanted you to know that.
JIM
(rushes back in, carrying a photo album. He sits at the table and opens the book. Bob walks over and looks over his shoulder)
Ok, so here is a picture of me setting up my video camera to get a good angle of my couch. Oh, and here- HERE is a picture of me hooking the video camera up to the television so I can see what its taping real-time.
(turns page)
Now this is a picture of me sitting on the couch watching television. And this last one is a picture of the television screen. LOOK! I was on TV! And so was my couch!
BOB
Nice... camera, I guess.
JIM
Oh, I know. It should be nice; It's my camera. That's a Nikon 325 EJC. Nothing but the best for good 'ol me, right?
(chuckles as he gazes appreciatively at his scrapbook)
BOB
(turning to Sarah and Kim excitedly)
Hey! He responded to me!
SARAH
(sadly)
Oh, honey, it only looked like he responded to you.
KIM
(sobs)
Its because you were talking about him.
GRETA
Those who love Narcism victims often misinterpret their random speech as genuine communication because they so desperately want-
BOB
No, we were talking about the camera!
SARAH
His camera, Bob. His camera.
JIM
(stands up and raises his hand)
Who here remembers the time I was drinking a glass of orange juice?
GRETA
Enough! We begin the treatment NOW!
(steps forward and pulls a hand-mirror from her notebook.)
Jim!
(she then holds the hand mirror in front of her face with the glass towards Jim)
Today will be different!
JIM
(looking in mirror, startled)
Hey, me! When did I get here? I didn't even see me come in!
GRETA
Surely, me has been here the entire time? Where else would we be?
JIM
(knodding in agreement)
I'm making sense! Do we seem shorter than I remember?
KIM
(wringing hands)
Oh! I can't believe it! Greta! He's talking with you!
SARAH
I'm so happy for you, Kim! Just think: Jim could be the first case ever cured! This is so exciting!
BOB
(waving his arms)
Jim! Jim! Over here!
GRETA
(hissing over her shoulder)
Do not get too far ahead of yourselves! We have only just begun! He is NOT cured yet! We have much work to do.
(to Jim)
Look at us, Jim! Am I looking at me closely?
JIM
(knodding at mirror)
Sure we are, handsome!
GRETA
Good. Now....
(lowers mirror to her side.)
What do I see now?
JIM
(looking around panicked)
Help! I'm missing!
GRETA
Jim!
JIM
Who will drink the orange juice now? Everyone will be so disappointed! And we didn't even start eating toast, yet.
GRETA
(holding mirror back up)
Hey, me! I'm still here.
JIM
Oh, thank Jim! I thought I'd lost me.
GRETA
Oh, but Jim, you did. You did lose you!
(lowers the mirror)
Now you see Greta, yes?
JIM
(looks down at mirror. Then up at Greta)
You! Greta!
(everyone gasps. Sarah puts her arm around Kim. Bob bites his knuckles)
GRETA
(with satisfaction)
Yes, me. Greta!
JIM
You took me away! Give me back!
(As he reaches for the mirror, Greta holds it away from him. They struggle for a moment. Bob grabs Jim from behind. Jim squirms free and then punches Greta hard in the stomach. Greta bends over in pain, he hits her face with an uppercut. She grabs her nose, Jim wrests the mirror from her hands and runs off-stage. Sarah runs to Greta's aid.)
GRETA
(straightenning her jacket,
Ah, but we almost did it, eh, Greta? So close.
JIM
(offstage)
Hold on, me! I'll get you out of there!
KIM
Dr. Linnensdorf? You OK?
GRETA
(ignoring Kim)
I remember this one time I was eating shnitzel; I was at university at the time, you see, and going through one of my shnitzel stages. Originally the idea was to use it as a jewelry substitute because we were so poor then.
BOB
Hey...
(Greta begins examining her own breasts, appreciatively hefting them)
GRETA
Very nice!
KIM
Oh, no.
(lights out)
JIM
How'd we get in this little piece of glass anyway?
(sound of glass breaking)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! NOOOO!!! (sobbing)
Check out the OTHER scenes, too!