Saturday, January 07, 2006
Completely Safe v3
01/07/06 (version #3)
Greg – Male Age, 30 listless
Jazlinski – Male Age, 30 scientist, nerdy
Marcie – Female Age, 28 angry and impatient.
Bob “the Boss” – 45 excitable and dismissive
(Three chairs face the audience, stage center. Greg sits in center, operating a computer. Marcie sits to his left, and Bob stands behind the last chair, leaning on it and looking over Greg's shoulder. Jazlinski is offstage left. Jazlinski wears a white lab coat. Greg sits listlessly staring at computer while typing slowly.)
(stops typing, points to screen, looks at Bob)
That's what he said.
(clicks mouse and then puts his hands in his lap. Bob knods, crosses arms and leans back. Marcie leans back.)
(starting offstage, striding onstage)
Good news, everybody!
This had better be good, Jazlinski. We were right in the middle of something.
Oh, it is good, boss! The Gronel is ready to go.
Hot dog! We'll make our delivery schedule on time!
(turns to Greg)
Take this down!
(Greg holds his hands at the ready.)
Dear Mister Kim McBernstein; Broot and Rown Industries is proud to announce, ah... no, is happy to announce–no, is excited to announce, no, is... is...
(waves hand in air)
(Agitated, paces and genuflects)
Right. Proud. Thanks. Is proud to announce that the Gronel Swacker GSS 5002 is ready for shipment immediately.
(Jazlinski looks at watch, turns and walks off stage left)
You will be happy to note that we are delivering it on time and under-budget. Making use of technology that, uh... hmm.
Well, get the fire extinguisher! Don't just stand there!
Right. Making use of the hottest technology available, the Gronel Swacker is capable of producing 150 percent more output 50 percent of the time per cycle than the closest 5 percent of competing Swacker units in a percentile test. This makes our Gronel Swacker, um..
(becomes lost in thought)
Well, prop the damn thing up! Its probably not going to burn you from THAT end.
(there is a muffled scream)
Did it just burn James? James, get out of there.
Stop moaning, it isn't that bad. You big baby. Hold on!
(comes on stage, straightening his lab coat)
We're just packing the Gronel Swacker up for shipment, boss. Hey, do any of you happen to know where the fire extinguisher is? ...And I'm curious about that for absolutely no reason at all.
Quiet, Jazlinski! I'm working here!
Did you check under the mezzanine stairs?
(to Greg, who continues to type)
this makes our model more likely to be featured in trade publications in front of dramatic backdrops prominently displayed next to color coded bar charts!
(distractedly watching Bob)
I said, under the mezzanine stairs.
Ah! I'll look.
(leaves room again)
Believe me, Mr. MacBernstein, your staff will be delighted with the way our Gronel Swacker GSS 5002 squats massively upon your shop floor and, and, and...
and squats! No. It already squats once in that sentence. Get rid of the second squat, Greg.
But now we don't have a complete sentence. You can't end a sentence with an 'and'.
You just did, Bob.
So I did! Ha, ha, ha! Good one, Marcie!
(there is muffled yelling offstage. Jazlinski runs from stage left to stage right, yelling)
Johnson! You alright?
(yells become demanding)
What? How the hell should I know where your hand is?
Our engineers have found that the Gronel Swacker GSS 5002 is so easy to use that you can operate it one handed-
As long as they take shipment of the optional keypad attachment, mind you.
Right. Put that in, too, Greg.
(Greg types furiously)
(backing onto stage. There is now blood on his lab coat and his hair is messy)
You can leave if you want to, but you're going to have to take a personal day, Johnson.
Why don't you just stick around? You can get some work done, and maybe we'll find that hand of yours. C'mon, what do you say?
Oh. I have a question about packing! Call Jazlinski.
(without actually moving)
Alright, the fire is out, but the acid puddles are starting to eat through the floor and drip into the junior staff lunchroom.
Never mind that, Jazlinski. I have a question on the packing.
Well, ok, but I'm kind of-
The packing, Jazlinski.
(puts hands on hips)
(stares for a moment)
... that wasn't actually a whole question.
So I take that to mean that we're wrapping it with 5 mil shrink, then?
(a claxon begins sounding)
Yeah, sure. Whatever. Gotta go!
(leaves hurriedly stage right)
Well, Greg, you heard it right there.
We're wrapping it with 5 mil shrink wrap, Greg. Get with the program.
5 mil shrink. Got it.
(types furiously, Bob is pacing and jumping, pumping hand in air triumphantly)
Ann! Ann! It's going towards your terminal! Did you erase the NCF file? HEAVEN HELP US if it gets the NCF file!
(angry woman yelling)
Its not moving all that fast! Go and delete the file!
(woman screams hysterically)
That'll teach us to assume a maximum speed based on current observed speed, eh, Ann? (chuckles)
(woman holding bloody stump of arm runs screaming through the room from stage left to stage right. Jazlinski follows half heartedly onto stage. His labcoat is torn off one shoulder and his face is sooty)
(Everyone stops and stares at him)
Oh, never mind.
(Sticks hands in pocket, and leaves the way he came, whistling)
Read that last part back to me, then.
(reads screen, following along with his finger)
'...with one hand as long as you take shipment of the optional keypad attachment. We're wrapping it with 5 mil shrink.'
Great! Now we just need a concluding paragraph.
Put something in about expedited shipping.
(a siren, in addition to the claxon, starts to go off)
Oh. It got the NCF file. Well, that's it, then.
(stage lights dim. Moments later, the siren and claxon stop)
The power went out.
Did you save the Word file?
Great. Just great.
(rushes in. Axe in one hand, shotgun slung over shoulder. No pants on. Clears throat.)
Ahem. I think we should leave, now.
It's lunchtime anyway. Lets pick this up after we eat something.
(packing papers in briefcase)
Anyone feel like Thai food?
Sounds good to me! After you, Jazlinski. We're not getting anything done around here anyway.
(glares at Greg)
(everyone moves towards the door, following Jazlinski. Jazlinski stops and holds a hand up)
Alright. Everybody be absolutely quiet and it just might not hear you.
(they all leave the stage.)
Egads, Jazlinski! What a mess! You have got to talk to your staff about the proper way to keep a shop.
(Siren starts wailing. Loud banging sounds)
Bob, what did I tell you?
(loud bang, lights out.)