SafeTinspector Scenes

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09/12/05 (version #1)

CAST

Kevin J. Martin – 38, Male

Quincy – 14, Female

Sandy – 32, Female

Mark – 33, Male

(inside apartment, couple on couch, daughter sitting on floor, watching TV. Mother spills drink on herself.)

SANDY

(standing up, wet from drink)

Oh, shit!

MARK

God dammit, Sandy, can't you be a little more careful? I'll get a towel.

(runs off)

QUINCY

Mom, you said a bad word.

(Mark returns, hands one towel to Sandy, who begins drying herseld and begins blotting the couch)

SANDY

You're 14, Quincy. I think you've heard that word before.

MARK

(muttering)

Fuckin' drinks in the living room, all the time with you damn people.

(There is a knock at the door)

QUINCY

I'll get it!

(runs to door and opens it. Kevin leans in.)

KEVIN

Hello, little girl. Is your mom and dad home?

QUINCY

(over shoulder)

Mom, Dad! Someone's here!

(she leaves the door open and runs to sit in front of the couch. Mark continues cleaning, Sandy walks to door.)

SANDY

Can I help you?

KEVIN

Hi! I'm your downstairs neighbor, Kevin J. Martin, chairman of the FCC? I couldn't help but overhear you loudie wowdies up here having a vocabulary malfunction.

MARK

Who the hell is it?

KEVIN

See, there you go. I'm going to have to ask you guys to try to control that, ok?

SANDY

I'm not sure I understand.

KEVIN

Yeah, I'm sure you didn't see the BIG poster in the lobby, the one in front of the elevators, “STAMP OUT OBSCE-”?

SANDY

Obsceh?

MARK

What the fuck is an “Obseh”?

KEVIN

(pulls out something with a button on it and slams it. A loud “BEEEP!” comes out of it)

Damn! Didn't get it in time.

QUINCY

Ooh! Bad word, daddy!

KEVIN

That's exactly right, young lady! Another word for bad word is (coughing to cover word) obscenity.

SANDY

You mean “Obscenit-”

(Kevin beeps the beeper)

What are you doing?

KEVIN

I'm trying to save your daughter, ma'am. She shouldn't have to hear such yucky wucky words, it might make her a BAAD girl later on!

MARK

(finished with couch, walks over, drying hands with towel)

Since when is obscen-

(Kevin:BEEP!)

-OBSCENITY a bad word?

KEVIN

Oh, its not one of the worst, I'll grant you. I made up a handy brochure, available right next to the “STAMP OUT OBSCEH” poster. I'm sure you didn't get one, so I brought a few with me.

(pulls a glove out of his pocket and carefully puts it on his hand. He then reaches into his jacket and pulls out three brochures. He distastefully hands them to Mark and Sandy.)

It has all the words that aren't acceptable in this apartment complex, because they might corrupt our vulnerable youth.

QUINCY

(gets up and skips toward them)

Can I see? Can I?

KEVIN

(turns to hide his remaining brochures from Quincy)

Certainly NOT! Pretty soon you might be saying (BEEP!) or (BEEP!) and that could lead to unprotected (BEEP!) and an unwanted (BEEP!) all from having dirty (BEEP!) butt (BEEEP!) sex on your boy- (BEEP) friend's couch!

SANDY

STOP THAT! God, (BEEP) your annoying!

(Mark is concentrating on the brochure. He looks up)

MARK

But what is wrong with...um... “stationary bike”

KEVIN

(BEEP!)

Damn! Missed it!

MARK

I can't read half these words. What is an untcay? Or...it-clay, um-cay? Ick-pray? Ig-bay ack-blay ick-day?

KEVIN

Oh, that's our parent-safe code. Theres another brochure with a translation guide. An untclay is a (BEEP!)

QUINCY

I know what that is! My friend Stacey has one!

KEVIN

I'm sure she does, I'm sure she does.

SANDY

And what does it mean, It-tay Ucker-say?

QUINCY

Hey, wanna see my it-tlays?

(begins lifting shirt.)

KEVIN

Oh, gosh!

(pulls a jet black rectangular board from his jacket and sticks it across Quincy's chest)

Young lady, I think you've been exposed to too much explicit (BEEP!) media! You need more good, clean, violence and less sex. Oh, yeah.. (BEEP!)

(Quincy strokes the black rectangle)

SANDY

Violence?

KEVIN

Yes! America approves of violence. It's sanctioned by churches and community groups like the Crips and Bloods and 9^th Street Assassins, and it keeps our vulnerable youth from engaging in unprotected butt (BEEP) (BEEP!). So next time you're tempted to swear at a loved one, don't. There's no excuse for vulgar verbal abuse. Instead, beat them mercilessly! After all, that can be televised!

MARK

I don't appreciate you coming into our home and talking about unprotected butt (BEEP BEEP!) or violence!

KEVIN

Oh, nonsense. I was properly censored! No harm done, right? Here, Quincy. Instead of showing us your it-tays, use this.

(hands Quincy a gun)

QUINCY

(pointing gun and swinging it around)

I feel more acceptable already!

SANDY

Honey, put that down!

MARK

Oh, shi- (Kevin:BEEP!)

KEVIN

Well, my work here is done. Oh, here's some extra censorship bars just in case you two take your clothes off or something, (hands Mark and Sandy black rectangles) and just 'cause I'm a good neighbor, I'll let you have my vocabulary malfunction tone generator.

(hands beeper to Mark)

Bye.

(he leaves. Quincy runs out after him with the pistol)

QUINCY

Hey mister! You left your rectangle on my (Mark:BEEP!)!

(fin)