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03/04/05 (version #)

CAST

Peter Bucephalus – Male, Age 32

Judge – Male Age, 60

Cannibal – Male Age, 25

Stenographer – Female Age, 25

Defense lawyer – Female Age, 30

Liver – Male Age, 60

Heart – Male Age, 25

Appendix – Female Age, 25

Kidney – Female Age, 30

Clerk – Male Age 25

Veggy Woman – Female Age 25

Jesus – Male Age 30

Secretary – Female Age 25

Man - Male Age 30

(Court room. Cannibal, with face painted, holding spear, tin foil on head and wearing a suit is sitting on witness stand. Stenographer is typing full speed, even when no one is talking. Peter is questioning the Cannibal. Judge is staring off into space)

PETER (skeptical)

So. You say you are no longer a cannibal.

CANNIBAL

Yeah, our dietitian convinced us that it would be far more healthy to adopt a vegan lifestyle.

PETER

And this dietitian, you ate him?

CANNIBAL

Well, at first we didn't really listen to him. We were sort-of in a hurry to get to a matinée of “The English Patient” and wanted to get dinner out of the way. But afterwards, we got to reading his pamphlets and thought he had some really good ideas.

PETER

So you admit to being a cannibal.

DEFENSE

I object! Prosecution is putting words in the defendant's mouth.

PETER

I was not!

JUDGE

(paying attention for first time)

I wasn't listening. Lets hear the record!

STENOGRAPHER

(chewing gum, lifts tape and begins reading in a bored voice)

Prosecution, So you admit to being a cannibal.

Defense, I object! Prosecution is putting words in the defendant's mouth.

Prosecution, I was not!

Judge, I wasn't listening. Lets hear the record.

Prosecution, What?

Judge, You've read too far.

PETER

(interrupting)

What?

JUDGE

You've read too far!

STENOGRAPHER

(continuing in bored voice)

Judge, This isn't funny, I'll have you know.

JUDGE

This isn't funny, I'll have you know.

STENOGRAPHER

Prosecution, Someone stop her.

PETER

Someone stop her!

STENOGRAPHER

Prosecution, My first sexual experience was at the age of 15 when I and ten other boys chanced upon a bag of rubber bands and an electric toaster.

(There is a pause. Everyone looks at Peter.)

PETER

(looking around at everyone)

I... wasn't going to say that.

DEFENSE

It was on the record, Peter.

JUDGE

Objection sustained!

CANNIBAL

Hey, just for my information, is it still cannibalism if you eat your own clone?

JUDGE

What, an entire clone, or just a cloned organ?

CANNIBAL

Oh, just an organ.

PETER

(looking at watch)

That reminds me. I need to call and see if my new liver is ready.

(CUT TO a bed where Peter is lying down. Bed is oversized. People dressed as organs are sticking out of the sheets and talking to Peter)

PETER

What's up, guys?

LIVER

(acting ill)

Geeze guys, tell him already. (gasps)

APPENDIX

(fretting, wringing hands)

Oh!!!

KIDNEY

Appendix, sush. Let the heart talk.

LIVER

Yeah... (caugh) Always listen to your heart.

HEART

Thanks, Liver. You just take it easy, ok? Alright. Peter, me and your other organs have been talking, and...

PETER

Talking behind my back?

KIDNEY

Just shut up a moment, Pete.

HEART

We don't think you've been doing a good job. Liver here isn't doing too well.

LIVER

(slumping)

Guys, forget about me. I'm a goner.

(Lays head down on bed)

APPENDIX

(worried)

Don't say that! You'll be ok!

(Liver doesn't move.

Appendix looks around)

He'll be ok, right?

(looking at liver)

Liver? (pause) Liver! (sobs)

HEART

You happy now, Peter? Now we need to go get another liver.

(CUT TO a shop. Clerk stands behind counter. Veggy woman sits on floor with back against front of counter completely limp and slack jawed. Peter walks in door)

CLERK

Organ Rent-a-center. Can I help you.

PETER

(Steps in, looks down with concern at Veggy Woman.)

Uh...

CLERK

Don't mind her. She's renting her brain out to a physics student cramming for a test. Its due back in...

(lifts a clipboard and flips through several pages fast)

Three days.

VEGGY

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnn ...

CLERK

(puts clip board down)

And what can I do for you? Dropping off or picking up?

PETER

I'm here for a liver. Old one went out on me.

CLERK

Hittin' the sauce a little, right? (winks exaggeratedly)

PETER

Listen, do you have a liver or not? I have to get back to court in ten minutes.

CLERK

Lets see...

(turns, opens file cabinet. Flips through files)

Liver... liver... onions... um... nope.

PETER

What, none?

CLERK

Next one is due back in ten days. Want me to put you on the list?

(Picks up pen, poises over a piece of paper, looks expectantly)

PETER

(turning to leave impatiently)

No. I'll just try somewhere else.

CLERK

Suit yourself!

PETER

(grabs stomach, collapses)

AAAAAARRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrghh!!!

(CUT TO pleasant office. Jesus sits behind a nice wooden desk. Jesus is writing on a piece of paper. Door opens and secretary pokes her head in.)

SECRETARY

The next applicant is here to see you. A...

(looks at clipboard)

Peter Bucephalis.

JESUS

(stands. Wipes hands on sides)

Send him in! Send him in!

(secretary leaves. Peter enters. Jesus motions to chair in front of desk)

Sit, sit! Welcome to heaven!

PETER

Thanks, Jesus. Sorry I'm late. Traffic is really heavy here!

(both sit)

JESUS

Yeah. The city of God is bursting at the seams. That's why we need a new city planner. I'm just dying here trying to keep up with work. And dyin' once is plenty of dyin' for me, right? Heh heh heh.

PETER

(Nervously patronizing)

Uh..heh heh.

SECRETARY

(poking head in room)

Sorry to interrupt, sir. But the strobe light will be starting soon.

JESUS

Good, good. Thanks very much, Linda.

(secretary leaves. Jesus continues)

I originally only planned for a few million citizens. With all these delays in implementing the rapture, our civil infrastructure is bursting at the seams. People just keep dying in a state of grace! What can I do, eh?

PETER

We could, um, expand the city freeway infrastructure? Maybe increase the capacity of the sewer system and build some new holy water treatment plants?

JESUS

(Nodding earnestly)

Yes! Yes! See, that's what I need a new city planner for, Peter. And I think you just might be the man for the job!

PETER

I was a lawyer, Jesus. And I killed my own liver. And I inadvertently assisted a cannibal in legalizing the manufacture of human cloned organs for use in “Hungry Cannibal” Swanson TV Dinners. How can I be the city planner for the Kingdom of Heaven?

JESUS

(Nodding repetitively)

Right... right... (pause, still nodding) Anyway... You start tomorrow.

(Leans to intercom)

Linda, tell John to get up here with Peter's contract pronto or I'll have his head on a platter.

SECRETARY

(over the intercom)

Alright sir. Oh! The strobe light!

JESUS

Jesus! I almost forgot!

(opens desk drawer. Places strobe light on desk and turns it on. All other lights are off. Jesus begins dancing as Prince's “1999” plays loudly)

PETER

I should've stayed at the animal clinic when I was 16.

(Cut to animal clinic. A man is tending to a little kitten, Peter walks in wearing parachute pants and a fishnet tanktop. There is a plaque on wall with stuffed rear end of cat sticking out of it)

PETER

(motioning to kitten)

Yo, that kitty is like, so fresh, rad, and cute!

MAN

Don't talk that way about General Krung! You'll undermine his troops discipline!

(meow!)

PETER (as 16 year old self)

Man, I am so embarrassed. This is a catastrophe.

(points to plaque with cat rear end. Lights out, spotlight on cat ass trophy)

Get it? Cat... Ass... Trophy?

PETER

(voiceover as adult)

How was I to have known that the clinic was a front for a little known fringe group dedicated to breeding a race of super-soldiers from house-cats? After I'd apologized to General Krung,

(meow!)

and his core platoon of tabbies,

(hiss!)

I started drinking. A life-long obsession that led to organ failure, death and, ultimately, a successful career in both the marketing of food grade human tissue and as city planner for the city of god. But I was wrong. It wasn't a castrophe. It was just... The END... of a cat.