Sunday, May 29, 2005
Weather McFrenchiman
CAST
Shane McFrenchiman – Age 32, Male, everyman character
Diane Goodheart – Age 28, Female, perky and blond
Brick Masterson – Age 38, Male, classic good looks
Vinny – Age 50, Male, bald and plump
Johnny – Age 23, Male, very young looking
(news room, Diane and Brick sit behind desk facing audience, turned 3/4. Vinny stands at audience left, pointing camera at Brick and Diane. Johnny stands behind him, arms crossed and watching the action. Shane stands to the right of the desk. Throughout this scene, Vinny turns camera to point at currently speaking person)
BRICK
(somberly, with a grave look)
Tragically, both the mother and her two year old child died from their wounds only twenty yards from safety after having crawled for two miles through insect infested swampland. The search continues for their missing body parts.
(short pause)
(smiling, speaking brightly)
And its Friday! So if you feel as if your week's been a crawl through the swamp, take heart: We're only twenty yards from the safety of the weekend! That means Diane Goodheart will be giving us her regular weekend fashion survival tips later. (turns to Diane) Diane?
DIANE
(brightly)
That's right, Brick, and we have a treat for you this weekend. We'll be going on a picture tour of the new Applewood Country Grove outlet mall opening in downtown Dexter. Applewood Country Grove, which replaces no less than 15 unsightly small town stores and the historic Dexter town hall, has 25 acres of parking and shopping bliss!
BRICK
(turns to camera)
That sounds great, Diane, looking forward to it. But first, a short break and then the weather, brought to you by our new weatherman, Shane McFrenchiman. Shane's a regular at the “Chips N' Giggles” comedy club in Flint, as well as a board certified meteorologist.
(turns to Shane)
Glad to have you on board, Shane.
SHANE
(a little nervously)
Thanks...Brick...glad to be here.
BRICK
(turning to camera)
Great! This is Brick Masterson, and we'll be right back.
JOHNNY
(loudly, almost shouting)
And we're OUT!
(Vinny immediately lets go of the camera, pulls out a cigarette and begins smoking, staring off into space)
Good job, Vinny.
(pats Vinny on shoulder as he walks past him towards Shane. Vinny nods; continues staring into space.
Johnny walks past the desk to Shane, ignoring Brick and Diane.
DIANE
(quietly lays her head on the desk and lifts the edge of a piece of paper, peering curiously underneath)
BRICK
(holds one hand in front of him and uses his second hand to silently play peek-a-boo with the first)
JOHNNY
(shaking Shane's hand)
So, how you holdin' up, big guy?
SHANE
Great. Looking forward to my first on-air weather report! I know we haven't had a chance to talk much, but I really wanted to thank you for this job.
(Shane notices Brick and Diane's behavior and stares at them while still shaking Johnny's hand)
JOHNNY
No, dude, thank you! We're lucky to get a funny man of your caliber. I'll be right back, gotta go see a horse about a man, right?
(exaggerated wink. walks off-stage to audience right)
SHANE
(still staring at Brick and Diane)
Say.....Brick? Did you catch my show at the club or something? I gotta know how Johnny got my name.
BRICK
(looking under his right arm)
Ricardo!
(looking at ceiling)
Montalban!
(looking under his right arm)
Ricardo!
(looking at ceiling)
Montalban!
DIANE
(points at Brick)
Brick smells purple! Ha-ha-ha!
SHANE
(puzzled)
Uh.....
VINNY
(stomping cigarette out)
Don't bother, Short-Term. Its best if you don't actually talk to them.
SHANE
(still looking at Brick and Diane, who are now rocking in their chairs, holding hands and humming two completely different children's tunes at the same time.
What the hell is wrong with them?
(pause, then looks up at Vinny)
Short-term? What do you mean, short-term?
VINNY
(shaking head sadly while looking at Brick)
Nothin' wrong with them. Exceptin' if it ain't on a teleprompter, they don't say it, thats all. It's the same in all the newsrooms now.
(looks at Shane)
And you ain't like them. That's why you're strictly short-term.
SHANE
I don't understand, Vinny! What are they?
VINNY
They're “special”, you know? ....Retards. Highly conditioned... heavily medicated... retards. All TV news reporters have to be nowadays.
(Diane is holding her left foot up to her face and is noisily and repeatedly sniffing it while Brick peers intently into her right ear)
SHANE
(watching Brick and Diane)
Why?
VINNY
A normal man reads the news, you know, all that crap happening to poor schmucks like us and our families, and he either gets depressed or scared shitless, right? Folks at home can tell. That ain't no good! The American TV viewer wants to be comforted. They turn the TV off if they ain't happy with what they see, and the sponsors get mad.
SHANE
So they hired mentally disabled people?
VINNY
Yeah! See, Brick here can tell you about a terrible tsunami with a twinkle in his eye that says, “hey, its OK. Every thing's alright!” And he can do that 'cause every time he hears the word 'tsunami' he thinks his nurses “Sue” and “Ahmee” are coming over to give him his sponge bath.
BRICK
Tsunami are my friends!
VINNY
See?
DIANE (growing louder)
Perpetual perpendicular pertaining perchance peroxide performance purple! HA HA HA!
SHANE
Then...why am I here?
VINNY
'Cause Johnny saw your comedy act and thought you were retarded.
SHANE
WHAT?!?
VINNY
C'mon, do you blame him? Reading a GE dryer manual over and over, each time with the voice of a different character from Scooby Doo? That ain't funny, that's retarded!
But you ain't. And that's why you're short-term,'Short-term'
(glances at watch, and then looks around worriedly)
Breaks almost over. Where's Johnny?
SHANE
But, what can I do to keep this job? I really wanted this...
JOHNNY
(rushing in at a quick waddle with his pants half down, interrupts)
Sorry about that, had an accident with some scrubbing bubbles. Vinny, get that teleprompter up!
(in response, Vinny adjusts the teleprompter and then gets behind the camera)
JOHNNY
Shane, you'll be on first. Wait for your cue from Brick.
(stands behind teleprompter and says in a sing-song tone used for talking to children)
Bri-ick, Di-anna? Look at the pretty teleprompty!
(Brick and Diane let go of each other's noses, turn, and smile confidently at the teleprompter)
JOHNNY
I'm going to go change into some clean Dockers, but I'll be right back. Ready? Good luck. And....we're ON!
(rushes off stage as Brick begins)
BRICK
We're back, and I'm...Brick Masterson, along with Diane Goodheart. I know you're all dying to hear Diane's weekend fashion update, but before you pick your clothes, you're going to need to know what the weather is going to be like. So....here's Shane McFrenchiman, with the weekend weather report!
(turning to Shane)
Shane?
SHANE
(looking troubled, begins reading teleprompter haltingly)
Well, Brick.....um...tonight is going to be clear and cloudy, with a...a...
(slowly, reluctantly turns and stares at Brick and Diane. Brick and Diane stare back with big, huge, expectant grins)
...a cold front moving in from the north bringing....rain...and...
(shakes head, continues more confidently)
...hail. Hail changing to wheels of cheddar cheese being ridden like a fleet of unicycles by miniature clones of Micheal Jordon and Paris Hilton wearing leiderhosen. And then there will be a Tsunami! Bibbity bwa-hah!
VINNY
(stage whisper)
Hey, short-term, what the hell are you doin'?
JOHNNY
(running in from stage left, wearing a new pair of dockers)
Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial! Vinny, what the fuck!
VINNY
Hey, man...
BRICK
(turning to camera from Shane)
Great! And welcome to the team again, Shane! Now on to Diane, for that weekend fashion report. Diane?
DIANE
(smiling pretty at the camera)
Thanks Brick! What do GAP, Baby GAP, Girls' GAP, GAP Plus Size, Daddy GAP and GAP-GAP-Goose all have in common?
JOHNNY
Shut that teleprompter off, Vinny.
DIANE
That's right, they're all at the new Applewood Country Grove...
(Vinny turns off tprompter)
...Bug hunt, everybody! Yay!
(Diane disappears behind desk)
JOHNNY
Vinny, what happened to Shane's teleprompter? How did he get so off-track? Unicycles of cheese, for Christs' sake!
VINNY
Hey, boss, that's not what...
SHANE
(sits on floor with shirt up over his head)
I'm the headless horseman! AAARRRrrrgh.......
(now worried sounding)
....I'm scared!
JOHNNY
(smiling proudly at Shane)
Vinny, just don't let it happen again. I want our new permanent weatherman to look GOOD.
Check out the OTHER scenes, too!