SafeTinspector Scenes

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02/11/05 (version #)

CAST

Bruce VanWeidermaker – Male Age 35,

Chris Frankel – Male Age 25,

Ann – Male Age 40,

Gil – Male Age 35,

Sue – Female Age 28,

Harry – Female Age 40,

Mr. Hinklesberry – Male Age 50,

Receptionist 'Recep' – Male Age 22,

(Stage is blacked out. Ann, Harry, Sue and Gil are all seated at a table with Harry closest to Ann. Everyone is in business attire. Spotlight on Receptionist, stage left, looking bored. Chris walks in from stage left and stops in front of Receptionist.)

RECEP

(filing nails, chewing gum)

Please sign in, the meeting will begin shortly.

(Chris begins signing. Bruce walks on stage)

BRUCE

Hey! I've never seen you before. You're new, right?

(Chris turns to Bruce. Bruce begins to sign in)

CHRIS

Yeah. I got promoted last week. My first time at an allocation meeting.

(extends hand)

I'm Chris. Chris Frankel.

BRUCE

(Finishes signing, shakes Chris's hand)

I'm Bruce... VanWeidermaker.

(They stop shaking hands. Stare at eachother for a moment.)

So... Wanna be my best friend?

CHRIS

(pause)

Yeah, sure.

BRUCE

Great! Come on, I'll introduce you to the gang.

(extends left hand. Chris takes it and they walk toward centerstage holding hands, swinging their arms between them. Spotlight off, stage lights up to reveal the table. Receptionist leaves stage left. Everyone stands. Bruce addresses the group.)

Hi, everyone. Ann, Gil,

(Skips Sue in obvious way)

Harry. This is my new best friend, Chris.

CHRIS

(shaking Harry's hand)

Hi! Pleased to meet you.

HARRY

(knodding)

Likewise!

GIL

Uh....I thought I was your best friend.

(Chris shakes Sue's hand)

BRUCE

Well, you can both be my best friend.

(Chris shakes hand hands with an unenthusiastic Gil)

SUE

Gil, I'll be your best friend.

GIL

But you're a girl. That's... really kind of gross.

ANN

(finishes shaking hands with Chris. Brandishes fist at everyone. Sternly)

Alright, people. You are all....stupid heads. I'll clobber you all if you don't sit down. We gotta get ready for the meeting.

HARRY

Yeah! She'll clobber you!

(Everyone sits.)

ANN

So. Gil, did you do my allocation report for me like I told you to?

GIL

I really tried, Ann, really. But I was so busy doing my own report, and then I had to walk the dog...

ANN

Didn't I tell you not to come in here if you didn't get my report done for me? Now I'm going to look bad.

HARRY

Yeah! Bad!

ANN

Now I'm going to be waiting for you after work, Gil.

HARRY

Yeah! After work, she's gonna clobber you, Gil!

BRUCE

Ann, you're nothing but a big bully. Why don't you do your own regional allocation reports?

HARRY

(menacing)

Mind your own business, VanWeidermaker.

SUE

(sarcastically, teasing)

Why stick up for Gil, anyway? I thought Chris was your best friend.

BRUCE

I don't like you, Sue.

CHRIS

(to Bruce)

I'm still kinda, like, feeling out the pecking order here. Can I like Sue even if you don't?

GIL

(opens briefcase, takes out binder, slides it to Ann)

Here, Ann. You can use mine. I'm really sorry I didn't do your report.

SUE

Gil, as your new best friend, I order you to take that report back and stand up for yourself!

CHRIS

She's a little bossy.

BRUCE

Tell me about it.

ANN

(pushing report back to Gil)

You know that's not my region! What's Mr. Hinkleberry gonna think if I turn in my allocation report and its for YOUR region?

HARRY

Yeah! He's gonna think... uh...

(stage whisper to Ann)

what is he gonna think?

SUE

That's it, Ann. You can't keep picking on my best friend.

GIL

(stage whisper)

I'm not your best friend.

ANN

(to Sue)

So what are you gonna do about it?

SUE

I'm gonna have my personal trainer beat you up!

ANN

My personal trainer can beat up your personal trainer!

HARRY

Yeah! Her personal-

CHRIS

(interrupting, hands extended to both Ann and Sue)

Guys, guys, lets just say that, um, Ann did his report—and did a great job on it, too—but... then a burglar broke into his BMW, right? And he grabbed the report and

(swinging arm as if fencing)

used it to fight off Ann's Doberman Pinscher! And the Doby grabbed it with his big teeth and ate it!

BRUCE

Yeah, Ann! Tell Mr. Hinkleberry your dog ate your homework!

HARRY

But Ann doesn't have a dog...

ANN

Hinkleberry doesn't know that, stupid-face. Yeah... that might work. Maybe you'll live another day, Gil. You guys all back me up on this or else.

HARRY

Yeah! Back him up or-

SUE

(interrupting)

Shhh! Here comes the V.P.!

(All stand as Hinkleberry walks on to stage from stage right)

HINKLEBERRY

Good morning, staff.

-ALL-

Good morning, Executive Vice President Hinkleberry.

HINKLEBERRY

(sitting at head of table)

You can all sit down.

(all sit, except for Sue)

SUE

I got this for you, Mr. Hinkleberry.

(hands Hinkleberry something)

HINKLEBERRY

An Apple iPod! How thoughtful, Sue! Thanks.

(waving Sue off)

You sit down too, Sue.

SUE

(demurely)

Yes, sir.

(Sue sits)

HINKLEBERRY

I see we have someone new?

CHRIS

I'm Chris Frankel. The new Midwest financial director.

HINKLEBERRY

Everyone say hello to Chris. One, two...

-ALL-

Hi, Midwest financial director Chris!

HINKLEBERRY

Alright, please pass your regional allocation reports up to me.

(everyone is passing their report up except Ann)

Ann, where's your report?

ANN

(sheepish)

Well, you see, I had it in my BMW...

SUE

(excited and fast)

She didn't do it, and then she tried to make Gil do it, and then she told us to lie about it or else she'd beat us up, but I was going to stand up to her because I'm Wonderwoman and my lasso of truth would make her-

HINKLEBERRY

Sue! What have I told you about tattling!

ANN

(under her breath, to Sue)

I'm gonna get you, poop for brains.

HARRY

Yeah! She's gonna-

HINKLEBERRY

Shh! ...Ann, is what Sue told me true?

ANN

No. Sue is NOT Wonderwoman.

HINKLEBERRY

About the allocation report?

ANN

Um... no.

HINKLEBERRY

Gil?

GIL

(looks down, silently knods)

HINKLEBERRY

(loudly, while maintaining eye contact with Ann)

Alright, people. Snack time. All of you can go get your snacks, but Southwest Regional manager Ann is going to stay here and help me clean the boardroom, aren't we, Ann.

ANN

(downcast)

Yes, Mr.Hinkleberry.

HINKLEBERRY

And then we're going to go visit the CEO's office.

ANN

(despairingly)

oh....

(Everyone shuffles out, leaving Ann and Hinkleberry at the table. Last to leave is Chris and Bruce. Stage blacks out, spotlight on Chris and Bruce stage left)

CHRIS

He's in big trouble, huh?

BRUCE (Shrugs)

Yeah, I guess so.

CHRIS

So...What's for snack, usually?

BRUCE (dismissive)

Martini's, caviar.

CHRIS

Cool! Hey, later, wanna come over my office and play with my secretary?

BRUCE

Sure!

(Chris and Bruce exit stage left. Blackout)