SafeTinspector Scenes

You do Not have Javascript!

12/09/04 (version 1)

CAST

MIKE – Male, Age, 42

STEVE – Male, Age, 36

Employee – Male, Age, 18

(Public restroom. Two men in adjoining stalls, backs to audience. STEVE—on left—is hunched over, MIKE—on right—is sitting upright. Classical music is playing softly in background, and MIKE is softly whistling along)

STEVE

(grunts, breaks wind)

Bach's 'Air on a G String,' eh? Fairly ironic considering, right? Even sort-of implies a particular undergarment involved in the flatulence!

(chuckles self-appreciatively)

MIKE

(hautily)

You hear a tune, it makes you think of your own lingerie and gaseous eruptions, and you assume an ironic cause-effect relationship? The only irony present is in your brain. This music is just a happy coincidence.

STEVE

(sits up a bit more, elbows on knees)

Who do you think you are, David Hume?

MIKE

(shaking head)

Hume indicated ALL cause and effect was illusion, while I am merely stating that Johann Sebastian Bach's masterpiece has nothing to do with your ass in a thong.

STEVE

Hume didn't say there was no causation, he said we couldn't prove causation through reason.

(grunting and plopping noise from MIKE)

Like that! Hume said that we form our idea of causation from observing patterns in series of events. I've heard crap splash many times, and it usually means someone just crapped. You, my friend, crapped, AND!

MIKE

(interested)

Go on.

STEVE

Your ass is now wet.

MIKE

(thoughtfully, one hand on hip, other stroking chin)

Perhaps.

STEVE

It is.

MIKE

You can't know that.... Not for sure. You can know NOTHING for sure.

STEVE

Let me guess. Empiricism. I'm taking a damn dump with a deranged Descartes.

MIKE

Descartes was right, though. Nothing can be proven, since our senses can be deceived. You can't know how moist my nether regions are, because even I cannot be sure. I know it FEELS wet. Feels like its dripping slowly, as a matter of fact. But how do I know it really is?

STEVE

“I crap, therefore I drip?”

MIKE

Descartes actually said, “I think, therefore I am.”

STEVE

Only because he formed his philosophy without the benefit of the modern public restroom.

MIKE

What is that supposed to mean?

STEVE

No matter. Descartes won't help you verify how damp your cheeks are. You'll just have to reach down and feel for yourself. Nietzsche once said, “all evidence of truth come only from the senses.”

MIKE

He also said, “A shit is an unannounced visit, the poop-man the agent of rude surprises. One ought to reserve an hour a week for taking shits and afterwards take a bath.”

STEVE

He was talking about letters and postmen!

MIKE

I find it equally useful.

STEVE

I've had enough of this debate, my moist and anonymous friend.

(looking around)

Hey, uh, do you by chance have any toilette paper in your stall? I seem to be in short supply.

MIKE

Perhaps, perhaps not!

STEVE

Quit messing about. I'm crusting over, here. Surely you sympathize, old man!

MIKE

Toilette paper is the opium of the people....Karl Marx.

STEVE

Wasn't that religion? Similar I suppose; besides, Marx would say that you should distribute your toilette paper to those who need it. “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need.” You have the ability to pass me paper with which I may wipe my pungent dirt-button, and I have need of toilette paper for that very same reason.

MIKE

You show your ignorance. Marx was talking about exploitation and compensation of labor, not goods. The comparison to our situation would only work if you were maintaining that I, myself, should come and personally clean your filthy posterior because I have the ability and you have the need.

(pause, classical music swells slightly)

STEVE

Would you find it equally comparable if I were to come over there and kick your ass?

MIKE

No, then we'd be back to Nietzsche. “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”

(Employee enters room, pushing a cart with cleaning supplies.)

EMPLOYEE

Whew! Smells like ASS philosophy in here!

STEVE

Oh, thank god. You, there!

EMPLOYEE

(looking nervously toward the closed stalls)

Hello?

STEVE

You wouldn't happen to have toilette paper with you, my good man?

EMPLOYEE

(straightening up and speaking defensively)

I am a trained and designated “Clean and Happy Washroom Quality Assurance” agent!

MIKE

Truly, an oppressed member of the proletariat.

EMPLOYEE

Pardon me?

STEVE

Never mind. Just be a good chap and lob a roll over here, ok?

EMPLOYEE

(throwing roll over stall-door, which is caught by MIKE)

Well, here you go. My last roll. Listen, I'll come back later, when this stench has lost its edge.

(Employee quickly leaves with cart.)

STEVE

The attendant threw the roll to you, didn't he.

MIKE

(pulling up pants and leaving)

I'm not so certain there ever really was an attendant.

(STEVE cradles his head in hands, bows and groans.)