SafeTinspector Scenes

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“LEFT OUT”

11/21/05 (version #2.5)

CAST

Shane McFrenchiman – 32, Male (office worker)

Diane Goodheart – 27, Female (on the bubbly side)

Vinny Jonsonni – 46, Male (New Yorker, rough voice)

Johnny – 26, Male (Young, enthusiastic type A)

Sally – 28, Female (with an English accent)

(Break room. Diane, Vinny, and Johnny are standing together by water cooler. They are all laughing. Laughter stops for a moment.)

DIANE

I don't get it.

JOHNNY

OK, so its like this, Diane...

(Shane pokes head in. Everyone pointedly ignores him.)

VINNY

(under his breath)

bastard.

SHANE

(Shane walks up to the group)

Hey, guys. Monday, huh?

JOHNNY

That's what my calendar says, anyway! Ha ha ha ha!

SHANE

Uh, yeah. So...where were you guys over the weekend?

SALLY

(bad English accent)

Why ever should you ask that?

SHANE

Well, Sally, I drove by the office and all your cars were here. The office was locked and the alarm set, so I know you guys weren't here....

SALLY

As a simple matter of course, Shane, we were, uh, we were...you tell him, Johnny dear.

JOHNNY

-we were all really drunk on Friday night, and we got cabs home. You should've stayed, man!

SHANE

I worked late on Friday. Alone. As always. No one but me, my laptop and my eraser gnomes.

(pauses)

And they were the only ones drunk.

DIANE

Oh, come-on, guys. Even I remember! We were JUST talking about it, we were-

VINNY

Up in DonFantastique's office! Yeah, that's where we were all getting' drunk off the big bastard's mini-bar. That smokin' hot bastard said we could get us some.

SHANE

No... No, I think I would remember seeing you guys when I went up to leave my quarterly report on his desk.

JOHNNY

Did you check his bathroom?

SHANE

You were all drunk in the Boss' private bathroom?

VINNY

Fuckin' HOT! .....bastard.

DIANE

Oooooh....I wish I remembered this.

SALLY

Hush, Diane.

SHANE

Diane, you don't remember it because it didn't happen. You all went somewhere without me, didn't you?

(they exchange guilty looks)

VINNY

(very quiet)

bastard.

JOHNNY

OK, you got us. We all went to Peoria, Illinois.

SHANE

Peoria.

JOHNNY

It was hard to tell, what with the strange language they all used. Sounded a lot like Canadian. It was Peoria, right sugar?

SALLY

Quite right, darling. We didn't think you wanted to go, and there simply wasn't enough room in the limo, what with the hot-tub and the servants.

VINNY

Those were some hot bastards.

DIANE

I got this T shirt!

(lifts blouse to reveal a shirt that reads “HOSER went to Peoria, A!”)

I think it says, “Jesus Loves Peoria!”

SALLY

It might. Who can tell, who can tell?

SHANE

And Sally, what is with the accent? You're from Newark!

SALLY

Funny story, that!

JOHNNY

Tell him the story, darling!

SALLY

I was about to, hush. Well, there was a fellow that had a bag filled with industrial adhesive and he was breathing the fumes and having such a wonderful time. Vinny here said it made the fellow look like a “hot bastard”-

VINNY

-damn straight!

SALLY

-So I simply HAD to try it. When I awoke, I had this wonderful new accent. A pity it didn't help me understand Canadian.

SHANE

You got an English accent by huffing glue. Jesus Christ!

DIANE

(lifting shirt again)

-loves PEORIA!

SHANE

(ignoring Diane)

Where did you really go? Vegas? Disney World? Nantucket?

JOHNNY

We are telling the truth! Why would we leave you behind if we went somewhere fun? We all love you Shane!

VINNY

HOT!

DIANE

I thought we didn't want him to come because...

JOHNNY

he wouldn't enjoy eating paper. Which is why we were in Peoria. Paper eating convention. They had a ream of this stuff that would give you an orgasm just from chewing on it!

SHANE

Orgasmic paper.

SALLY

Funny that, not ALL the paper had that effect. I found myself faking it a lot.

DIANE

I saved some stationary from the Peoria hotel for later. It doesn't work. Watch!

(pulls paper from pocket, begins chewing.)

SHANE

Which one of you came up with this crap? It was you, wasn't it, Johnny?

JOHNNY

Oh, come ON, Shane! You think I wanted us to all have fun and for you to stay here and be bored all night working late with nothing but your eraser gnome for company?

VINNIE

Bastard!

SHANE

You did NOT go to Peoria to a paper-eating convention! Sally did not get an accent from huffing. And frankly, I can't believe you all worked so hard to screw with me like this. If you didn't want me to go wherever it is you went, you could've just come out and told me. Christ, what a bunch of cowards!

(leaves)

VINNIE (sadly, after Shane)

....hot?

DIANE

Gee, maybe we should have asked him along.

JOHNNY

Nah.

SALLY

Oh, he's just a bit cross for almost literally no reason at all.

(Delivery man enters) DELIVERY GUY

UPS. Got a... ream of Peoria paper here.

VINNIE

SMOKIN' HOT DAY IN THE MORNING!

(johnny signs for the package, everyone begins eating paper and having orgasms.)

“My Neighbor, The FCC”

1/6/2006 (version #2.5)

CAST

Kevin J. Martin – 38, Male

Quincy – 14, Female

Sandy – 32, Female

Mark – 33, Male

Three Male Dancers

(inside apartment, couple on couch, daughter sitting on floor, watching TV. Mother spills drink on herself.)

SANDY

(standing up, wet from drink)

Oh, shit!

MARK

God dammit, Sandy!

(runs off)

QUINCY

Mom, you said mother-fucker.

(Mark returns, hands one towel to Sandy, who begins drying herseld and begins blotting the couch)

SANDY

I didn't say mother-fucker.

KEVIN

(barging in room)

Hi, folks! I'm your downstairs neighbor, Kevin J. Martin, chairman of the FCC?

QUINCY

Hey, mom, dad, there's some asshole here!

KEVIN

Whoa, there!(BEEP!)

I couldn't help but overhear you loudie-wowdies up here having a vocabulary malfunction. Young lady, I think you've been exposed to too much explicit (BEEP!) media! Pretty soon you might be saying (BEEP!) or (BEEP!) and that could lead to unprotected (BEEP!) and an unwanted (BEEP!) all from having dirty (BEEP!) butt (BEEP!) sex with your boy- (BEEP) friend and his (BEEP) well-hung buddies!

QUINCY

Gosh, mister, what can I do?

KEVIN

You need more good, clean, violence and less sex. (BEEP!)

SANDY

Violence?

MARK

I don't appreciate you coming into our home and talking about unprotected butt (BEEP BEEP!) or violence!

KEVIN

You poor, misguided, obscene fools. Nothing is worse than forbidden words and sexuality.

(Three male dancers walk in, one hands a box to Kevin)

I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but allow me to use this box of innocent, fluffy kittens to explain.

(begins to sing, dancers stand at parade rest)

When I think of Janet Jackson's titty

or Howard Stern's anything at all

we boost the gore on CSI Miami

and add torture to most shows this fall

there's so much to do, and its starting to work

but to get through to you I'm afraid I must jerk

the heads off these innocent kitties. Observe:

(Drum beats, Kevin and the dancers grind as he slowly pulls kitten from box, holds it out toward audience. Kitten mews. )

SANDY

Oh, shit!

(when Kevin hears “shit” he jerks his head back slightly as if in surprise, but then smiles lasciviously and closes his eyes, head tilted back. Crack! Dancers convulse in pleasure, Kitten is dead. He drops it on floor. Dancers dance.)

Violence! Violence!

America's fine with Violence! (crack, kitten dead)

Sex! Sex!

America hates Sex! (crack)

MARK

You fucking lunatic!

(kevin holds kitten in Mark's face and kills it)

KEVIN

C'mon, people!

Slow-mo blows in boxing shows

with showers of spit and sweat

so preferable to seeing tongue in a kiss

or hearing four letter words from your set

if fictional and taped, we're fine with rape

but not shit, fuck, dick or cock

and it shows we're strong inside when vehicular homocide

is filmed on location with COPS.

(Everyone: bad boys, bad boys, what'cha gonna do?)

I'm gonna kill another kitten for you. (crack!)

QUINCY

Can I try?

KEVIN

Certainly. To the beat, please, and sing it with me.

(Quincy is killing cats, now)

Violence! Violence!

America's fine with Violence! (crack, kitten dead)

Words! Words!

America hates Words! (crack)

BEEP, BEEP

BEEP, BEEP

aw, yeah (crack)

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Pacifica, I've heard, suffered when George Carlin's words

landed them in Fed'ral Court

It served those hippies right, broadcasting that tripe

when they could have been talkin' up war!

I hope you learned YOUR lesson, cause now I'm confessin'

I've only about three cats left here

I'll leave them with you for your family to 'do'

for when obscenities burn your ears.

(music continues to play)

QUINCY

Thanks, Kevin J. Martin, chairman of the FCC!

KEVIN

No problem.

SANDY

Kevin Martin, you bastard, get out of my house-OOF!

(Kevin punches her in the gut, and then holds her up)

KEVIN

Hush. This is for your own good.

(head-butts Sandy, knocking her to floor. Makes sign of the cross over her)

go and cuss no more.

MARK

That's it, I'm going to kick your-

(Kevin grabs censorship rectangle from Quincy and cracks Mark on head, knocking him out.)

QUINCY

I feel more acceptable already!

(Reaches in box for more kittens to kill)

KEVIN

(As he talks, Quincy throws dead kittens to audience.)

Yes! America approves of violence. It's sanctioned by churches and community groups like the Crips and Bloods and 9^th Street Assassins, and it keeps our vulnerable youth from engaging in unprotected butt (BEEP) (BEEP!). So next time you're tempted to swear at a loved one, don't. There's no excuse for vulgar language. Instead, beat them mercilessly! After all, that can be televised!

(Lights out as Quincy kicks Kevin in the shin and then balls, knocking him to floor and begins kicking him in the stomach and side.)