Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Left Out
Shane – 32, Male (weather man/crappy alt comic)
Diane – 27, Female (on the bubbly side)
Vinny – 46, Male (New Yorker, rough voice. C'mon!)
Johnny – 26, Male (Young, enthusiastic type A, married to Sally)
Sally – 28, Female (with an English accent, married to Johnny)
(Room with a table, Diane, Vinny, and Johnny are standing together by water cooler. All are jovially laughing. The laughter dies down, spent. All is quiet for just a beat)
DIANE
I don't get it.
JOHNNY
OK, so its like this, Diane...
(Shane pokes head in door quizzically, checking to see if anyone is in the breakroom.)
VINNY
Shane! C'mon in, you hot bastard, you.
SHANE
(stepping in)
Vinny. Hi...you...Vinny, you.
(Shane walks up to the group)
Monday, huh.
JOHNNY
That's what my calendar says, anyway! Ha ha ha ha!
SHANE
Uh, yeah. So...where were you guys over the weekend?
SALLY
Whyever should you ask that?
SHANE
Well, Sally, let me tell you why. I drove by the office and all your cars were here. The office was locked and the alarm set, so I know you guys weren't here....
SALLY
As a simple matter of course, Shane, we were, uh, we were...you tell him, Johnny dear.
JOHNNY
-we were all really drunk on Friday night, and we got cabs home. You should've stayed, man!
SHANE
I worked late on Friday. Alone. As always. Nothing but me and my laptop and my eraser gnomes.
(pauses)
And they were the only ones drunk.
DIANE
Oh, come-on, guys. Even I remember! We were JUST talking about it, we were-
VINNY
Up in DonFantastique's office! Yeah, that's where we were all getting' drunk off the big bastard's minibar. That smokin' hot bastard said we could get us some.
SHANE
No...
No, I think I would remember seeing you guys when I went up to leave my quarterly report on his desk.
JOHNNY
Did you check his bathroom?
SHANE
You were all drunk in the Boss' private bathroom?
VINNY
Fuckin' HOT! .....bastard.
DIANE
Oooooh....I wish I remembered this.
SALLY
Hush, Diane.
SHANE
Diane, you don't remember it because it didn't happen. You all went somewhere on the weekend without me, didn't you?
(everyone looks at eachother guiltily)
VINNY
(very quiet)
bastard.
JOHNNY
OK, you got us. We all went to an alternate dimension where eating paper produced instant orgasms. An alternate Peoria, Illinois.
SHANE
Peoria.
JOHNNY
It was hard to tell, what with the strange language they all used. Sounded a lot like Canadian. It was Peoria, right sugar?
SALLY
Quite right, darling. We didn't think you wanted to go, and there simply wasn't enough room in the limo, what with the hot-tub and the servants.
VINNY
Those were some hot bastards.
DIANE
I got this T shirt!
(lifts blouse to reveal a shirt that reads “Hoser went to Peoria, A!”)
I think it says, “Jesus Loves Peoria!”
SALLY
It might. Who can tell, who can tell?
SHANE
And Sally, what is with the accent? You're from Secaucus New Jersey!
SALLY
Funny story, that!
JOHNNY
Tell him the story!
SALLY
I was about to. Hush. Well, there was a fellow that had a bag filled with industrial adhesive and he was breathing the fumes and having such a wonderful time. Vinny here said it made the fellow look like a “hot bastard”-
VINNY
-damn straight!
SALLY
-So I simply HAD to try it. When I awoke, I had this wonderful new way of speech. A pity it didn't help me understand Canadian.
SHANE
You got an English accent by huffing glue. Jesus Christ!
DIANE
(lifting shirt again)
-LOVES PEORIA!
SHANE
(ignoring Diane)
Where did you really go. Vegas? Disney World? Nantucket?
JOHNNY
We are telling the truth! Why would we leave you behind? We all love you Shane!
VINNY
HOT!
DIANE
I thought we didn't want him to come because...
JOHNNY
he wouldn't enjoy eating paper.
SHANE
Oh yeah, the orgasmic paper.
SALLY
Funny that, not ALL the paper had that effect. I found myself faking it a lot.
DIANE
I saved some stationary from the Peoria hotel for later. It doesn't work. Watch!
(pulls paper from pocket, begins chewing.)
SHANE
Which one of you came up with this crap? It was you, wasn't it, Johnny?
JOHNNY
Nah, it was Vinny. He wanted us to all have fun and for you to stay here and be bored all night working late with nothing but your eraser gnome for company.
SHANE
Give me some of that paper.
(Takes paper from Diane, begins eating. Everyone leaves except for Shane. Eating paper)
Tastes like....ah...hmm...
(everyone leaves the stage. Shane sits. He is typing on a computer. Picks up a pencil and gazes at the gnome on the end.)
You're right. They WOULD all ditch me and go off together without telling me....but the dimensional thing seems a stretch.
GNOME
So maybe they go to Disneyworld.
p.s.:I'm thinking of changing the ending. Instead of the reveal being that it is all a fantasy of Shane, I would have Shane storm off in frustration at not being able to get the gang to admit the story is a sham. Then the reveal would be something that proves the story to, in actuality, be true. Perhaps they would receive a shipment of stationary from Peoria...
Monday, September 12, 2005
My Neighbor, FCC
CAST
Kevin J. Martin – 38, Male
Quincy – 14, Female
Sandy – 32, Female
Mark – 33, Male
(inside apartment, couple on couch, daughter sitting on floor, watching TV. Mother spills drink on herself.)
SANDY
(standing up, wet from drink)
Oh, shit!
MARK
God dammit, Sandy, can't you be a little more careful? I'll get a towel.
(runs off)
QUINCY
Mom, you said a bad word.
(Mark returns, hands one towel to Sandy, who begins drying herseld and begins blotting the couch)
SANDY
You're 14, Quincy. I think you've heard that word before.
MARK
(muttering)
Fuckin' drinks in the living room, all the time with you damn people.
(There is a knock at the door)
QUINCY
I'll get it!
(runs to door and opens it. Kevin leans in.)
KEVIN
Hello, little girl. Is your mom and dad home?
QUINCY
(over shoulder)
Mom, Dad! Someone's here!
(she leaves the door open and runs to sit in front of the couch. Mark continues cleaning, Sandy walks to door.)
SANDY
Can I help you?
KEVIN
Hi! I'm your downstairs neighbor, Kevin J. Martin, chairman of the FCC? I couldn't help but overhear you loudie wowdies up here having a vocabulary malfunction.
MARK
Who the hell is it?
KEVIN
See, there you go. I'm going to have to ask you guys to try to control that, ok?
SANDY
I'm not sure I understand.
KEVIN
Yeah, I'm sure you didn't see the BIG poster in the lobby, the one in front of the elevators, “STAMP OUT OBSCE-”?
SANDY
Obsceh?
MARK
What the fuck is an “Obseh”?
KEVIN
(pulls out something with a button on it and slams it. A loud “BEEEP!” comes out of it)
Damn! Didn't get it in time.
QUINCY
Ooh! Bad word, daddy!
KEVIN
That's exactly right, young lady! Another word for bad word is (coughing to cover word) obscenity.
SANDY
You mean “Obscenit-”
(Kevin beeps the beeper)
What are you doing?
KEVIN
I'm trying to save your daughter, ma'am. She shouldn't have to hear such yucky wucky words, it might make her a BAAD girl later on!
MARK
(finished with couch, walks over, drying hands with towel)
Since when is obscen-
(Kevin:BEEP!)
-OBSCENITY a bad word?
KEVIN
Oh, its not one of the worst, I'll grant you. I made up a handy brochure, available right next to the “STAMP OUT OBSCEH” poster. I'm sure you didn't get one, so I brought a few with me.
(pulls a glove out of his pocket and carefully puts it on his hand. He then reaches into his jacket and pulls out three brochures. He distastefully hands them to Mark and Sandy.)
It has all the words that aren't acceptable in this apartment complex, because they might corrupt our vulnerable youth.
QUINCY
(gets up and skips toward them)
Can I see? Can I?
KEVIN
(turns to hide his remaining brochures from Quincy)
Certainly NOT! Pretty soon you might be saying (BEEP!) or (BEEP!) and that could lead to unprotected (BEEP!) and an unwanted (BEEP!) all from having dirty (BEEP!) butt (BEEEP!) sex on your boy- (BEEP) friend's couch!
SANDY
STOP THAT! God, (BEEP) your annoying!
(Mark is concentrating on the brochure. He looks up)
MARK
But what is wrong with...um... “stationary bike”
KEVIN
(BEEP!)
Damn! Missed it!
MARK
I can't read half these words. What is an untcay? Or...it-clay, um-cay? Ick-pray? Ig-bay ack-blay ick-day?
KEVIN
Oh, that's our parent-safe code. Theres another brochure with a translation guide. An untclay is a (BEEP!)
QUINCY
I know what that is! My friend Stacey has one!
KEVIN
I'm sure she does, I'm sure she does.
SANDY
And what does it mean, It-tay Ucker-say?
QUINCY
Hey, wanna see my it-tlays?
(begins lifting shirt.)
KEVIN
Oh, gosh!
(pulls a jet black rectangular board from his jacket and sticks it across Quincy's chest)
Young lady, I think you've been exposed to too much explicit (BEEP!) media! You need more good, clean, violence and less sex. Oh, yeah.. (BEEP!)
(Quincy strokes the black rectangle)
SANDY
Violence?
KEVIN
Yes! America approves of violence. It's sanctioned by churches and community groups like the Crips and Bloods and 9th Street Assassins, and it keeps our vulnerable youth from engaging in unprotected butt (BEEP) (BEEP!). So next time you're tempted to swear at a loved one, don't. There's no excuse for vulgar verbal abuse. Instead, beat them mercilessly! After all, that can be televised!
MARK
I don't appreciate you coming into our home and talking about unprotected butt (BEEP BEEP!) or violence!
KEVIN
Oh, nonsense. I was properly censored! No harm done, right? Here, Quincy. Instead of showing us your it-tays, use this.
(hands Quincy a gun)
QUINCY
(pointing gun and swinging it around)
I feel more acceptable already!
SANDY
Honey, put that down!
MARK
Oh, shi- (Kevin:BEEP!)
KEVIN
Well, my work here is done. Oh, here's some extra censorship bars just in case you two take your clothes off or something, (hands Mark and Sandy black rectangles) and just 'cause I'm a good neighbor, I'll let you have my vocabulary malfunction tone generator.
(hands beeper to Mark)
Bye.
(he leaves. Quincy runs out after him with the pistol)
QUINCY
Hey mister! You left your rectangle on my (Mark:BEEP!)!
(fin)
Check out the OTHER scenes, too!