SafeTinspector Scenes

You do Not have Javascript!

CAST

Ty Pennington – Male, exuberant and enthusiastic host

Scorpion Benzini – 45, Male, former hit-man

Nipponese Nipples – 21, Male, panda from Japan. No accent

Slutty Ho – 23, Female, hangs with Nipples. No spoken

lines. Possibly a blow-up doll?

Gay Ninja – 30, Male, wears pink ninja costume with

rainbow codpiece

Roy Horn – Ninja's boyfriend

Richter Walker – 28, Male.

(Ty is down stage center, the rest of the cast is spread around stage performing construction activities.)

TY

(wide, expansive gestures across stage)

Welcome to Extreme Home Make-Over, Community Service Edition! Each week we take a different group of people who've offended society and use them to remodel the home of a deserving family. A family like the Walkers.

(begins walking backwards slowly, still addressing audience)

Seven months ago, Richter and Jimmy Walker killed their parents and older sister, which left them with no family. To make matters worse, they were put on trial for six long months, and only got off on a technicality yesterday. Our hearts go out to these poor orphans, so tonight we're putting the finishing touches on remodeling their home.

(stepping back towards Scorpion, who is using scotch tape to hang plastic silverware to the wall)

Here we have Scorpion Benzini, who was a mafia hit man for 15 years until he was finally caught. But today he's, um, taping disposable cutlery to the wall. Scorpion, tell us about it.

SCORPION

Ty, no family I can think of is more deserving than the Walkers. Losing so many family members must have been real hard on poor Richter and Jimmy. So its really important that I get this wall done in a way that does not involve exploding bombs at all.

TY

“that's right, you killed Vinnie the Smooch with a bomb that used plastic silverware as shrapnel! Very creative.

SCORPION

Right. I wanted it to look like an accident.

TY

When a man dies impaled with a thousand sporks, it hardly looks like an accident, Scorpion.

SCORPION

That's what the prosecution said, too! Weird.

TY

Well, you keep it up, I'll check in on the rest of our team.

(moves towards Nipples, who is repetitively rearranging framed photos on a coffee table while Slutty Ho hangs all over him)

With us tonight for the first time we have “Nipples” the Japanese panda bear!

Card game fans, ursine enthusiasts, and filthy perverts the world over were devastated when “Nipponese Nipples”, the Japanese panda bear, porno star and two time world champion of “Magic: the Gathering,” was exposed as a glue huffer.

NIPPLES

(Slutty strokes his head)

Yeah, I let my fans down, but now I'm clean. That's why I'm redecorating the Walker's living room instead of sniffing a sandwich bag full of industrial adhesives.

TY

Looks like you have some photos there.

NIPPLES

Well, Ty, I thought it would be a nice touch to have these family pictures in the living room to remind Jimmy and Richter of better times, so they might not feel so lonely.

TY

Nipples, most Pandas are from China, yet you're from Japan.

NIPPLES

(ignoring slutty, who turns around and grinds her butt on him)

Yeah, but I'm into porno and card games.

TY

Fair enough, but even so, you have no accent.

NIPPLES

That's what huffing glue can do to you, Ty. But I've learned my lesson. My only vice from now on will be dirty butt sex with degenerate sluts like Chrissy here.

TY

That's good to hear, Nipples. Keep up the good work, and someday I'm sure you'll get back that Japanese accent!

(turns and proceeds to where Roy and Ninja are stenciling sunflowers.)

Yum Dung here is a gay Ninja. When his sodomy conviction in Texas was overthrown, he put away his throwing stars and turned to home decorating. He's doing Jimmy's bedroom right now. I gotta say, Gay Ninja, I love it! Jimmy is going love having these happy flowers smiling down at him every night. It will ease his pain as he replays those pesky memories of his family's dying screams over and over in his head.

(notices Roy)

Hey, you have a new assistant!

NINJA

Allow me to introduce my new boyfriend, the zombie of Roy Horn, formerly of Siegfried And Roy.

TY

Wow! A zombie!

ROY

Arrrrgggle!

NINJA

Yeah, Zombie. You have a problem with that? Society is so intolerant of zombies dating the living!

TY

But Siegfried-

NINJA

-left him after Roy came down with... death... after being chewed on by that Tiger.

ROY

(sadly)

Aaarrrrrr...

NINJA

But then we met and fell in love. And now I'm shouting it out to the world! I LOVE YOU, UNDEAD ROY HORN OF SIEGFRIED AND ROY FAME!

(does some lame kung-fu thing ending in a dramatic pose)

HWAAYAAA!

ROY

(gazing lovingly at Ninja and lolling his head)

Awwwwrrrrgh!

NINJA

Its just so sad. All those years in Vegas and now Roy is dirt poor. Did you know that as soon as you're dead, they take away all your property rights?

TY

Actually, yes. I think I did.

(Scorpion and Nipples are in a standoff center stage. Scorpion is holding a plastic spoon in front of himself threateningly while his other arm is holding a plastic fork over his head. Nipples is growling, hunched over with fists up. Slutty is clinging worriedly to his arm.)

SCORPION

So now you want to tango with Scorpion Benzini. Endangered species or not, you are going DOWN, roly-poly!

NIPPLES

I told you, freak-show,keep the plastic-ware in the KITCHEN!

TY

(motions for Roy and Ninja to follow him)

Gay Ninja, follow me! Bring Roy Horn of Siegfried and Roy fame with you!

(Ty and Ninja run to them. Roy zombie-lurches along. Ninja uses kung-fu to strike slutty ho repeatedly, knocking her out. He then strikes a Bruce Lee pose above her unconscious body. Roy lurches up to and clumsily wraps his arms around Ninja. Nipples and Scorpion continue to face off, ignoring Roy and Ninja)

NINJA

(comforting Roy)

Shh! Shh! It's OK, baby. I know it was scary, but it's all over now.

ROY

Urrrr!

TY

(positioning himself between Scorpion and Nipples)

Guys! Guys! We don't have time for this! The Walkers will be home ANY MINUTE!

SCORPION

Hey, don't tell me! I was just trying to help!

NIPPLES

I don't need your help, old man. All my shit's dishwasher safe.

(Richter walks in carrying a shotgun over his shoulder)

EVERYONE

It's Richter Walker!

TY

(expansive gesture)

Richter, on behalf of Sears Roebuck and Extreme Home Make-Over, welcome to your new-

RICHTER

What the fuck are you people doing in my house?

(He fires shotgun into ceiling. Everyone runs offstage except for Slutty, still lying on the ground, and Roy, who lurches randomly in a circle before wandering off after Ninja. Richter walks halfway across stage looking after everyone else. Stops, looks down at Slutty, points and yells after everyone)

Hey! This one isn't mine! Whoever killed her is going to have to come back here and clean up this mess!

ROY

(offstage)

AAAAAAAAARRrrrrrggh!